Tag: pregnancy

adrian’s birth story

Leave a comment 
“I am the light of the world. Anyone who follows me will never walk in darkness but will have the light of life.” – John 8:12

Adrian Ray Tietz was born on Tuesday, March 26, 2024, at 3:33pm. He weighed 9lbs and 9oz and measured 21 inches. This is Adrian’s birth story.

–

23 Weeks Pregnant

I start Adrian’s birth story here, not long after I left off part 1 of pregnancy in my blog post Naming Adrian Ray. It was mid-December and life was busy. Our 20-week sonogram revealed Adrian to be in the 99th-percentile for his size. In addition to my body adjusting to carrying him, I was planning and throwing work holiday parties, two kid’s birthday parties, preparing for Christmas, and fending off winter sickness. During my daughter Eliza’s 4th birthday party, I had pushed my body so hard that I could not even walk. I was paralyzed from pain in my SI joint, having to ask other parents to serve cake because I could quite literally barely move.

This was a turning point for me because I knew I had done this to myself. My pride said I was pushing hard for other people and good things, but now my relentless push was impacting not just me, but those around me, and my ability to enjoy pregnancy. On top of the pain, I still had 4 more months of pregnancy to go, and Adrian would only grow bigger.

I scheduled a massage for the next week, on my 33rd birthday. During this massage, the massage therapist told me I had the worst knot on the left glute muscle he had ever seen. So much of my pain was related to tightness and imbalances as I carried Adrian. I was prescribed epsom salt baths, foam rolling, massaging, and regular stretching.

As the massage therapist left the room, I took a few moments of silence to myself in prayer. Tears streamed from my face, right there on the bed, as I made a promise to Adrian that I would take better care of myself. Not for me, but for him, and for my family. No more excuses. I needed God’s help to create major habit changes.

Adrian’s pregnancy showed me more fully how to surrender control to God, listen to my body, and take care of myself in motherhood.

From that point on I started daily exercise, massage, heat, and stretching. I joined a female-only gym that offered weightlifting and boot camp style workouts. I remember my first workout at Blush, I couldn’t run, and regularly had to stop my work out because Braxton Hicks contractions were so bad at any bit of abdomen engagement (though I was only 26 weeks pregnant). But every day, I spent 1-2 hours developing these healthy habits and routines. 

As Adrian became bigger, my body was getting stronger. Within 3 weeks I started noticing a difference in pain management, and within 6 weeks I was pain free. 

Instead of surviving my third trimester of pregnancy – one that will most likely be my last – I was able to enjoy the season. I had more energy for motherhood, marriage, and work. I was able to focus not on physical pain but on the joy of the life that was being knitted in my womb. 

36 Weeks Pregnant

Around 36.5 weeks, I was checked for dilation and learned that I was already dilated to 5cm and Adrian was head down. Adrian continued to measure in the 97th-percentile for his size though my fluid levels had stabilized. Kevin and I decided that we would take the next week to make all our final preparations in the house.

The following week was a whirlwind! On March 1, we switched CJ to a big boy bed and all three kids were sleeping in the same room. We moved furniture around to get the nursery ready for Adrian’s arrival, we unpacked baby clothes, purchased the last of our baby gear, and packed our hospital bags. On top of that, we had three unplanned plumbing “emergencies” hit our home from leaking water to backups that translated to two visits from the plumber and Kevin installing a new toilet in one bathroom and a new floor in another bathroom.

37 Weeks Pregnant

We had made it another week, but we were exhausted from house renovations and our to-do list and ready to slow down. We went into our appointment on a Monday, and Kevin had lasik surgery scheduled for the next day. To our surprise, we found out at this appointment (around 37.5 weeks pregnant) that my body had progressed to dilation of 6-7cm. 

I was in complete shock. My doctor joked with me, only 3 centimeters left to go! Do you want to have a baby today? As I processed the initial news, we talked through with my doctor the risks versus benefits of waiting for my body to start labor naturally. 

Benefits: Full-term is 39 weeks, and there are some developmental positives for baby if you can make it to this milestone. 

Risks: If my water breaks at home, between shuffling three kids around and anticipating a fast labor, will we make it to the hospital in time? 

I am so grateful for my doctor and how we thought through all these things. She said she supported the decision we felt was best for the next week if we chose an induction. Her only preference was that we don’t go past our due date because of his size. 

38 Weeks Pregnant

Kevin has a successful lasik surgery and we both wrapped up work and continued to process an upcoming decision. In the meantime, we had the great privilege of attending a funeral for a dear friend’s father. We started our final weekend before Adrian’s arrival with a sobering reminder that life is precious. We cleared our schedule for the weekend and took time to rest as a family of five. 

By Sunday morning, after a night of sporadic contractions, I felt as though Adrian’s head was engaged. I was having more contractions day and night but still nothing consistent enough to go in. Kevin and I were looking forward to going to church and worshiping together for what we felt peace would be our last church service before an induction.

During church service on Sunday, March 24, Kevin received a text message with devastating news. Another close friend’s son had passed away. Kevin and I both received prayer at church from our Prayer Team and wept. How could we process such heavy news in the same 48 hours that we would be meeting our very own son? 

And yet, those 48 hours were a gift. We held our own three babies close. We prayed. We processed with community. We took comfort in the good news of the gospel. 

From life’s first cry, to final breath, Jesus commands my destiny. 

There is much more to say about this moment but truly we are still processing the news. However, we know that God’s timing was not accidental. Adrian Ray’s name means wealth of light. Even in the darkness, God provides a ray of light, and the darkness cannot overcome it.

We had made it another week with my body ready to have a baby, nearly to that 39-week mark. The Lord gave us peace that it was time. I sent my doctor a portal message that we would like to be admitted for delivery instead of attending our 38.5 week appointment. 

ADRIAN’S BIRTHDAY

Tuesday, March 26

6:30am

I woke up early and got in the shower, praying for the day. I was awaiting a call back from my doctor that morning with what time we should come in, if we should wait until our scheduled appointment time that afternoon, or head straight in to the Labor and Delivery.

7:30am

My doctor called and said to head straight to the hospital when we were ready, the Family Birthing Center at Lawrence Memorial Hospital was ready for us, and she wished me luck! I got off the phone and immediately got to share the news with our early riser and oldest child, Lydia. Adrian was coming today! We danced and shared the news with Kevin and Eliza as they were waking up. 

Lydia wrote down a prayer for the day, one that I will treasure forever. I kept it with me for the hospital stay. In her sweet Kindergarten handwriting, it read, “Lord I feel excited. Please help me to be a big sister for the 3rd time.” I had my usual morning cuddles with Eliza, and we played and sang “sitting on Adrian” for the last time. CJ was the last to wake up. He came out of the room in a moment when the girls happened to follow Kevin downstairs. He sprinted down the long hallway and straight into my arms, and I held him tight. These were my first tears of the day, holding my eldest son. The last day that he would be my littlest baby. What a sweet season it’s been having CJ as the baby. 

8:30am

I took Lydia to school blasting “Happy Day” and dancing in the car with the kids, then dropped Eliza, CJ, and suitcases off at my parents’ house. Kevin took our dog to my sister’s house and we agreed to meet back at home. We finished getting ready, packing up our things, and putting some finishing touches on the house. Finally, it was time to go to the hospital!

10:00am

When we arrived at the hospital, I quickly learned that I had been the fascination of the nurses and providers there since they heard the news that I was coming in. Who is this girl that has been walking around at 7cm for a week!? We were greeted with lots of smiles and laughter. They couldn’t believe I was carrying my own bags. (Little did they know that after finding out I was a 7cm, I had still finished my last workout at Blush Boot Camp a few days later, and even ran sprints while dilated at a 7cm, just to say I had!) I was very confident that my body was ready for labor, I just knew we’d need help getting it started!

We prayed over our room and over the day, and as my sister Rosie arrived, we processed our decision to be there. This was my fourth induction. The first one, Lydia, was not my choice, but her heart rate showed potential distress at my 39-week appointment, and I was admitted right away for an induction. For Eliza and CJ, both were elective inductions at 39.5 weeks, which felt more “desperate” than this one. I had been in so much pain and discomfort in my previous pregnancies, but in my final days of my pregnancy with Adrian, I felt physically better than I had at 24-weeks pregnant. What if something doesn’t go well or he’s not healthy, will we regret having an induction at 38.5 weeks? This was good to name, but we quickly spoke what was true. We knew my body was ready, and we knew Adrian was ready. We all made bets on how big he would be! 

11:10am

The doctor on call came in and checked for dilation and confirmed I was at 7cm. She gave the all clear to break my water and ordered 2 units of Pitocin to help my contractions become more regular.

We then spent the next hour or so trying to get my IV in place. It’s actually a bit of tradition that I have a vein blown, apparently, I have thick veins. After two failed attempts and a blown vein, the nurse director came in and decided to call IV Therapy from a different wing of the hospital to come in and place two IVs. They wanted a back up placed because I was at a higher risk of hemorrhaging because it’s my fourth delivery. Luckily, the professional knew what he was doing, and IVs were placed. 

12:30pm

Dr. Underwood returned to break my water and ordered our nurse, Abby, to start the Pitocin. Labor had officially started! We relaxed and decided to walk the hallways as we caught up with Rosie. 

1:15pm

Pitocin was increased 2 units about every 45 minutes. Shortly after the first bump up, I felt my hormones shifting. I felt chills and my first contraction. But Kevin, Rosie and I were still very relaxed, chatting, and enjoying one another’s company. Pitocin was again increased to 6 units to help speed up contractions.

2:15pm

Around 2:15pm, I remember wondering when things would pick up. I looked at the clock and thought about how Eliza would get out of school at 3pm and Lydia at 3:50pm. I thought a lot about my other children during this hour as I had my first stronger contraction, one that I had to stop talking to focus and breathe through. Shortly after we started playing worship music in the room, the song It is Well came on, which reminded me of our angel baby, Micah, my third pregnancy that ended too soon. I felt the spirit of Micah with me even in this moment.

3:00pm

While I knew things were picking up, our nurse still increased Pitocin up to 8 units. I was feeling pressure on my back, so our nurse suggested being in a position that could help turn Adrian’s head in case the pressure in my back was related to him being sunny side up. With worship music playing loud, I labored bent over an elevated bed with my arms folded over the bed, swaying my hips with every contraction. When this position became uncomfortable, we moved the bed so that I could put my knees on the firm mattress and grasp the bed rails with my arms.

Every time a contraction came, I would straighten my back, hold the rails on each side of the bed, and breathe through the contraction. From this moment Kevin and Rosie didn’t leave my side. The phrase that Kevin and I repeated together through the pain was “It is Good.” This was our true statement. Pain, in this case, was not bad. Pain was good. Pain increasing meant we were closer to meeting Adrian. 

3:14pm

Things were progressing quickly, and Kevin was adamant that I got checked again. Our nurse checked and I was up to a 9cm. She let our doctor know to be ready. 

3:29pm

Within a few contractions, I was feeling the urge to push, and my doctor was waiting outside the door. We moved me into position.

While everyone came in the room and was ready for delivery, I had what felt like a moment that stood still.

I had relief between contractions.
I felt almost nothing except a calm and strong body.
As we waited for the next contraction to come, the whole room was in silence.

I closed my eyes and prayed.
I thanked God for the ability to be in that moment. I took in my whole body, what would be the final moment of this pregnancy, and likely pregnancy forever.

Peace washed over me.

3:33pm

I announced that a contraction was coming. My doctor gave reminders on how to push and told me when it was time. With one contraction and two pushes, Adrian was here.

My eyes were closed when I heard Kevin’s voice in my ears, weeping through tears: He’s here.

Adrian was wide awake, crying, screaming, and breathing.

I held him close on my skin and didn’t let go. 

333

Adrian was born in LMH Room 333 at 3:33pm and weighed 9lbs and 9oz. All these numbers seemed far from a coincidence, especially given the symbolism of the number three during the same week we celebrate Easter.

The number three in the Bible represents the number of completion or wholeness. In the same way, Adrian has completed our family. In Scripture, words and phrases repeated 3 times are often important and carry significant spiritual meaning. We had three 3’s and multiples of 3’s, three times. Not to mention on Easter, we celebrate that after three days, Jesus was raised to life.

Already, Adrian has brought a wealth of light to our life and the lives of others. Our nurse at LMH had a few nursing students shadowing her that day who witnessed Adrian’s birth. I was told later by Rosie that each of the students in the room were taking in the worship music and crying as Adrian was born. Afterwards, they asked to hear more about the birth from my experience and leaned in as I opened up. I pray that God uses that moment as a witness and testament to His name in each of their lives. It was His strength that overwhelmed me throughout my pregnancy and during labor.

After our three children and local grandparents visited the hospital, we prepared for our first night of rest. It was in that moment, gazing at Adrian in the bassinet, that I had my second cry of the day. The shock and adrenaline had come down.

Kevin held me close as we took him in and I wept. He’s here.

We were home in time to celebrate Easter. To celebrate our Risen Lord, the Light of the world, who defeated death and darkness once and for all. The tomb is empty and the throne is occupied. Because He is risen, the light of life is given to those who follow Him.

As John 8:12 hangs on the wall above his crib and is repeated over him every night, may Adrian Ray remind us that God provides a wealth of light in every season.

parenting with relationships in mind.

Leave a comment

“It’s the battle I choose to fight.”

A friend and I were discussing mealtime behaviors with our children recently. She shared how her kids sit at the table for long, extended times, slowly working their way through every item of food set before them. It’s a high priority for this friend of mine that her children eat nutritious meals, and she’s trained them well. Before a few months ago, let’s just say there was a lot of room for improvement at mealtime in the Tietz’s household. Getting our children to sit longer than a few minutes and eat the food in front of them without complaining felt an impossible task, not to mention respecting prayer time before meals, not saying potty words at the table, picking fights with one another–the list goes on.

We wanted mealtime to look different. We spent the season of Advent choosing to fight the mealtime-behavior battle to teach our kids how to sit still and act respectfully from prayer through happy plate. We are far from perfection, but we’ve made a lot of improvement. I tell this story not to highlight mealtime, but the why behind this change. Turns out, it’s not just so they eat more vegetables or obey the rules.

We have a different motivation. When we made this decision, we had relationships in mind.

THE WHY.

We want to raise children who freely choose to love God and love each other.

We desire mealtime to be a place not just where we come to eat but where we come to be together. We desire mealtime to be a place where, at least once a day, we sit and pray together as a family. We thank God for “the food before us, the family and friends beside us, and the love between us.” We acknowledge that it is God alone who is the source of this great provision we have. As we share a meal together, we check in on each other’s days, how one another is doing, and enjoy one another’s company.

As we set these new standards for mealtime, there is one important distinction that I am making for myself: the goal is not obedience. The goal is relationship. Kevin and I desire to cultivate deep relationships with our children and help them have deep relationships with one another (their siblings).

As I prepare to make the transition into having four children, I admit that I often spiral into survival mode and parent from a place of exhaustion. If only my children obeyed, then I wouldn’t feel so overwhelmed! Life would be easier! How dare they do not obey. They should know better! After everything I do for them! However, this only leads to parenting out of a place of bitterness, entitlement, and anger – barking commands at my children that bear no fruit.

The Holy Spirit convicted me recently that rules for the sake of obedience is not the way I want to operate. I want to parent differently. I want to parent with the why in mind.

Parenting with the why in mind will lead to another question: what are the battles I choose to fight? We can’t fight them all as parents and keep our sanity. How do we choose? The most important battles to me, though I hadn’t put these words to it yet until recently, are their treatment of one another and of their mom and dad. 

So while I fight those battles of sibling rivalry and respect, I want to make sure they understand the vision and not just the command.

For example, as my daughters hit and claw at one another over a disagreement, I don’t simply what to say, “do this” or “stop that.” Yes, that is important, especially in the early years. But as they get older, I want to give them a vision of something greater. I want them to desire a restored relationship with one another. I want them to learn kindness, genuine forgiveness, and working through conflict. I want to them to not just listen to mom, but to have a genuine friendship with one another. I want them to take ownership of their own relationships.

My children having healthy relationships with mom and dad and with each other will dictate the battles I choose to fight, and how I fight them. This will trickle into other areas—like honoring mealtime and family time, for example. With the end in mind, my hopes are that one day, they will become adults with healthy, independent relationships with their parents and with one another, healthy marriages and/or friendships, and that they might have the tools to freely choose a relationship with their Heavenly Father.

DIFFERENT CHILDREN. SAME WHY.

With four children, not to mention two girls and two boys, each child will need to be parented differently. But for each child, the why will be the same.

For Lydia, my strong-willed, justice-oriented first born – she needs to learn how to extend grace both to others and to herself. More than anything, she hates failure and desires perfection. She is high achieving and holds others to the same standard she holds herself. (Some days it’s like looking in a mirror – now I feel like I am talking about myself!) She is also highly motivated to obey when she sees a reward for herself on the other side.

As I parent Lydia, I need to not manipulate her behavior by only using rewards-based parenting. I need to help her to see her behavior through a lens of empathy and compassion for others. She needs help to persevere in the face of failure. As a practical thinker and a verbal processor, we need to give her space to understand and process the “why.” She needs encouragement and praise as she restores relationships and places others first. She needs physical outlets to release aggressive energy, which will help her with empathy and reason. She will need to face failure and imperfection to realize her need for and dependency on God.

For Eliza, my free-spirited, affectionate, “closet”-perfectionist – she isn’t going to demand answers. She could cuddle her mom or dad all day and all night if that were possible. She seems to be enjoying a game or activity freely with no spoken anxiety, and then at the last moment realizes failure and explodes on anyone around her, refusing to ever engage in the task again. She could hide from negative emotions and feelings, living in her own pretend world all day, singing songs, and making jokes, if we let her. She is not motivated by tasks but motivated by affection and positive experiences. 

As I parent Eliza, she needs more of my quiet presence and reassurance that she is loved exactly as God made her. I will have to fight harder to create opportunities to show her the “why” and pray for opportunities for her heart to be open. She needs to be asked key questions that will help her process failure, motivations, and the hard realities of life that she will naturally hide from. She needs to be built up in her unique gifts without comparison to her sister. She needs space to express her creativity and know that we see her, and we are proud of her. 

For Caleb, I am still getting to know my precious son. Outside of teaching him basic rules of life and boundaries, specifically for his own safety, I have gotten glimpses of who he might be. Like his dad, he loves to play, read, and learn. And at age 2, I’m starting to see gifts of empathy and mercy come out of him. Here’s a recent example:

A few weeks ago in the midst of a snowy driveway, I was trying to load him in the car, and he was running inside in laughing disobedience. “CJ, no!” I said sternly. “Come back, time to get in the car!” As he was laughing and headed for the basement, I began to chase after him and my wet boots slipped on our entryway tile and I – third trimester pregnant and all – wiped out on the floor. Anyone who has ever fallen while pregnant knows that it not only hurts, but it’s just terrifying. As I laid on the floor fighting back tears, Caleb’s entire demeaner changed. My 25-month-old son turned around and walked to me slowly, bent down and put his face next to mine. With tender hazel eyes and a sweet voice, he said, “OK, mommy? OK?” I took a deep breath, pushed my way up, received his hug, and responded, gently asking him to get in the car. That boy turned right around and walked to the car and climbed in his car seat by himself. That was the first time I realized he has more of his dad in him than just hazel eyes.

Lord as I get to know Caleb more in the coming years, please show me what he needs. I also thank you for a Christ-loving husband who will understand how to talk to him as a boy and as a man, and how to cast vision to him to honor is mom and his sisters and to honor the Lord. Our world needs strong men who love Jesus and lead their families. Lord may Caleb learn how to walk with you by watching his dad as an example. Give him the courage and strength to strive for that in his own life!

I pray similar prayers for Adrian, my second son that we have not yet met, due in just six weeks. All I know about him now is he is big, and he is active! He is constantly drawing my attention to him with his long limbs and frequent movements. He’s been my most active pregnancy yet and I’m receiving extra monitoring and sonograms because of his size! I don’t yet know what he will need, but one thing I know for sure is that it will be different than his sisters and different than his brother.

All four of my children will need different things from Kevin and me, but we have the same goal for each: that they would freely choose to love God and love each other. While this decision to follow God will be their own choice, we hope to set them up for this by fostering trusted, healthy relationships with their parents and their siblings – not because we gave them what they wanted at every demand – but because among hard decisions and hard discipline, we had a consistent “why” that could be repeated. The bottom line: we put relationships first.

In as much as we can control, we desire a relationship with each child that is not one of co-dependence, but of independence, that sets them up to know Jesus for themselves and not just through their parents’ faith. I echo the words of Andy Stanley in his book Parenting: Getting It Right that the end goal is emotionally healthy, relationally successful adults, equipped to handle on their own the difficulties and blessings of life. 

The battles I will choose to fight are their relationships – with mom, dad, siblings – in a way that teaches them how to manage future relationships outside of their family – and ultimately as they come of age, their relationships with Jesus. May decisions to discipline, correct, show grace, and how I speak have these relationships in mind.

–

Lord, help me to change the way I parent my children. Not to achieve anything but in a genuine effort to have a “why” as the driving force of my every interaction with my children – especially as they get older. Lord as I reflect on each child, I pray that you would guide me into a place of listening and discernment for what each child needs. That I will parent my four children each differently but with the same “why.” The same “it.” I don’t simply desire obedient and high achieving children – I desire children who know they are loved, can love others, and – ultimately – come to know, love, trust, and follow You. Help me parent from this place and with this goal in mind. Lord, please guide Kevin and me to parent in unity. I surrender expectations and daily failures to you. May I seek their forgiveness and seek to restore the relationship when I do wrong. May Kevin and I model a healthy relationship in our own marriage and in the way we follow You. These children are yours. Thank you for the gifts that they are to me. Please lead me. 

naming adrian ray.

1 Comment

Jesus spoke to them again: “I am the light of the world. Anyone who follows me will never walk in darkness but will have the light of life.” –John 8:12

In the beginning, the earth was formless and empty, and darkness covered the surface of the watery depths. The Spirit of God was covering over the waters. Then God said, “Let there be light,” and there was light. God separated the light from the darkness (Genesis 1:1-4).

All things were created through Christ. In Him was life, and that life was the light of men. That light shines in the darkness, and yet the darkness cannot overcome it (John 1:3-5).

Even through sin, brokenness, and ever-present darkness, God would send His own Son to redeem the world and restore us into right relationship with Him. He is the light of the world. He is our hope and our salvation. Our wise counselor. Through Him, we have a wealth of light.

Adrian Ray means wealth of light and rich in wise counsel. The beginning of Adrian’s story starts this way.

B R A N C H E S . & . B U T T E R F L I E S .

For the first 18 months of Caleb’s life, Kevin and I were hurdling from one transition to the next (adjusting to becoming a family of five, two job changes, and two school changes, to name a few). As I dreamed about having a fourth child, the desire was there, deep down in the depth of my soul, but it was covered up with fear, practical logistics, and the straight up chaos of surviving our normal life. 

On June 7, 2023, I set out to the patio of a local coffee shop spend extended time in solitude and in the presence of the Lord. I journaled, listened, read Scripture, and reflected. After a walk around the neighborhood, I came back to the same patio and looked out at the trees with my palms up. Lord, if there is anything you’d like to say to me, I am ready to receive it.

I felt my attention drawn to a particular tree with three large branches coming up from a strong center root. In asking the Lord if there was anything He would like to show me from this tree, my three children came to mind. I made a joke with God as I prayed, is this you confirming that three children are what you’ve called us to? If so Lord, please, give me peace.

I stared out at this tree and its branches for many moments longer. Several minutes passed before I realized – there was a fourth branch connected to the trunk. I started sketching the tree in my journal with a wide trunk and four branches. So much for the confirmation of three children, but could this be a sign to pray into a fourth? In that moment, I started writing down every fear I had about trusting God with having another child. From pregnancy fears to financial, logistical fears to the deeper fears of insecurity and inadequacy. I hit the core of my hesitation. Lord, I already feel like I constantly fail my three children. If we have one more, will I have the capacity to give my children what they need? Would another sibling be for their good? Will I be enough? 

I looked back up at the tree. At this point I’m not sure how much time had passed, maybe 30 or 45 minutes. There had previously been no wildlife and minimal distractions. But in that exact moment after confessing my fears, three butterflies, each of different sizes and colors, gracefully flew almost exactly in front of the three primary branches. I felt the Lord whisper over me about my three children: In the coming of the fourth, they will soar. I will raise them up. I will protect them. I know what they need. Trust me.

From that moment on, after 1.5 years of wavering on the decision, I felt a peace to grow our family again and never looked back. The following week, Kevin and I had the gift of going on our 10-year wedding anniversary trip and spending several days alone praying through and processing this decision.

About 7 weeks later, a positive pregnancy test confirmed God’s perfect timing.

T H E . R E V E A L .

In a classic fifth pregnancy moment, I took a test after my brand-new, high-waisted summer shorts felt tight at the button. Kevin and I rejoiced at the excitement but kept the secret for a few days before sharing the news with our children. On a summer morning after a busy weekend, we told them that we had a surprise to share at breakfast. We made them wait an “unbearable” 30 minutes of anticipation while making muffins. As we all five sat down at the dining room table to eat, we shared our news.

Lydia (age 5) had an instant reaction of excitement. She’d been asking me when I’m going to have another baby for quite some time. She’s old enough to take in the news and completely understand the joy. For Eliza (age 3.5) it took her a moment to process at first. She listened intently to our interactions with Lydia and then it started to click. She was going to be a big sister, again! She joined in the cheering and the celebrating! CJ (age 1.5) was busy eating his muffin and wondering what all the commotion was about. It was a joyous moment!

In the weeks that followed I was often asked what I thought our baby was gender wise, or what I wanted. I loved the idea of another little girl, truly. I have adored being a girl mom and raising daughters. I also thought of my own family, three girls and one boy. We had planned to wait and find out at 20 weeks and do a fun “opening present” gender reveal with our kids. Kevin and Lydia were convinced it was a boy from the beginning, but for me it wasn’t until a friend of mine had a dream that we were having a boy, ironically “pulling something blue out of a box” during a gender reveal, that I pondered the reality of a boy in my heart.

Kevin and I started discussing names and when the name “Adrian” was said out loud, it sat differently in my heart. I remember that moment as the moment that the baby inside of me felt real for the first time – his own person, with his own name and his own soul.

Shortly after, I had a dream that we gave birth to a son and named him Adrian. If you’ve followed my journey at all you know that I’ve had gender dreams for 4 of my 5 pregnancies (Eliza, Micah, Caleb, and Adrian.) While with Micah, we will find out when we meet her in heaven, I was 2 for 2 with gender dreams for Eliza and CJ. The Lord at times speaks to me through visions and dreams, but I always remain open handed. Looking back though, it’s been a sweet part of my children’s stories to include these details. I also feel so known, loved, seen, and confirmed in my faith when these dreams and visions from God do come true. 

At about 15 weeks pregnant, I got a message in a moms group that a pregnancy crisis center in town, Insight, needed some help. They had just purchased a new sonogram machine and needed women between 5-20 weeks pregnant to volunteer as models as they trained their techs in the new machine. While I didn’t expect to find out the gender early, I also was open if we’d get a clear shot of it. Either way it was a chance to help a ministry and non-profit organization we love. 

During the sonogram, I closed my eyes for the gender scan. Immediately I heard a burst of laughter from the tech and others in training. “Yep,” she said. “We got a clear shot of the gender. Want us to print it out?” Of course, I did! They placed it in a sealed envelope for me to take home. While I didn’t want to assume that the laughter and clear shot was a boy, let’s be real, I was more likely to find out early with a boy!

That night at about 10pm on an evening in mid-October, after we had finally ended our day, Kevin and I opened the envelope.

A boy. He’s a boy. We’re having another son!

T H E . N A M I N G .

Two girls. Two boys. While it’s what I “wanted” the reality of it only seemed to be a part of my wildest dreams. Having two girls at the top – never did I imagine what it would be like to raise brothers on the bottom! I had similar feelings to when I found out my second child was a girl. How can I love another son as much as I love CJ?  And yet I know, this time from experience, that the Lord will grow that space for me. Our family truly couldn’t be more thrilled!

In the weeks that followed we prayed that God would reveal his name. It became clearer to me as I looked at our name list that this boy’s name indeed was Adrian, just like God had given to me in my dream.

Another name at the top of our list was “Raymond” after Kevin’s grandfather. We considered both Raymond and Ray as a tribute to a beloved family member. 

Kevin and I hold the personal conviction that names carry with them meaning and significance. While Raymond means “wise counsel” by itself, “Ray” can either refer to this same meaning, wise counsel, or also be taken literally “ray” as a word from the dictionary: a thin line or narrow beam of light or other radiation. 

The name “Adrian” means “rich or wealth.” When you put together Adrian Ray, the meaning becomes “rich in wise counsel” or “wealth of light.”

As with our other children, Lydia Evelyn, Eliza Rose, Micah, and Caleb Jordan, we’ve often had their names confirmed through a passage of Scripture. In the naming, we have selected a Bible verse for each of our children that hangs above their beds and is repeated to them every night before they go to sleep.

As Kevin and I sat down to pray into Adrian Ray, we were brought to John 8:12. 

“I am the light of the world. Anyone who follows me will never walk in darkness but will have the light of life.” – John 8:12

As we follow Jesus, we walk in an abundance of wise counsel. Wise counsel is found in the light. And the light of the world is Jesus. Just like a ray of light pierces through the darkness, we see Jesus as our hope in every season.

Adrian Ray will serve as a reminder of this wealth of light and richness in wise counsel that is found as we follow and walk with Jesus.

2 0 . W E E K S .

Finally, we are halfway through this pregnancy! Since finding out the gender early, we wanted to wait until it was confirmed at our 20-week sonogram to announce his name and confirm that yes, he is indeed a boy. Kevin and I had a wonderful sonogram seeing Adrian move around on the screen. We got a beautiful shot of him on his side, looking directly out at us. His long arms and legs stretched out wide. He measured in the 98% (!!) percentile, and my fluid levels were high, so we will do some additional monitoring in the months to come. Other than that, his organs and his development looked beautiful. We are blessed! We get to spend the week of Thanksgiving in thanksgiving, sharing his name and celebrating with friends and family.

Adrian’s due date is April 5, which is the week of Easter. My body is already feeling it carrying this big boy, and we still have a long way to go! Another 20 weeks will take us through all of December and the Christmas season, into the winter months of January and February, and finally, we will experience our own March Madness as we gear up for Adrian’s arrival. Four more months.

Adrian Ray, our prayer for you is that the light of Jesus shines brightly inside of you. As you follow Him and place your trust in Him, we pray that you would never walk in darkness, but that you would have the light of life. That He would be your abundant wise counsel, and that He would use you and these gifts He’s given you to bring Him glory.

We can’t wait to meet you, Adrian Ray. 

cj’s birth story

Leave a comment

“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” -Joshua 1:9

CJ is here now and almost three weeks old. I am in awe of him, and at the same time, it doesn’t feel real that he’s here. That he is who he is. That he’s my son. That he’s as beautiful as he is. More wonderful than I could have ever imagined. I stare at him in wonder and my long pregnancy that I never thought would end now fades away as a distant memory.

Caleb Jordan’s name means “courage and faithfulness flow down.” God’s strength and faithfulness have been beyond present in our lives all pregnancy and his birthday was no exception. We feel blessed beyond measure.

So in the midst of newborn feedings by day, night, and dawn, between many moments of holding him against my chest with tears of relief and gratitude streaming down my face, and amid mothering three children through the rush of the holidays, I pause. I pause to write down the birth story of Caleb Jordan. The day that God’s faithfulness and courage flowed down to us through his labor and delivery. 

–

THE DAYS BEFORE.

After making it through Eliza’s birthday (12/10) and birthday party (12/11), as well as a few end-of-the-year Christmas parties, we had finally made it to Sunday, our day of rest. A quick COVID test in the morning kicked off our 48-hours of quarantine before a scheduled induction on Tuesday morning, December 14, 2021.

Around 10:30pm on that Sunday night, I started having contractions that lasted a minute and were about 10 minutes apart. This went on for about two hours, and the Lord used this round of false labor to expose the fear and control I had in my heart. CJ’s birth was not up to my physical strength or my timing. God’s strength alone would carry me through labor, day or night, and His timing would be perfect. God used this false labor to help make my final day without CJ born more real, to move it from my logical thought process of having a baby to my heart—to feel the weight of his soon-to-be arrival. 

On that Monday (12/13), we had a family day, and I was more present than I would have been because of God’s grace to work on my heart, treasuring time with Kevin, Lydia and Eliza, a warm winter day’s sunshine that allowed us to play outside, and my last day of pregnancy. As I tucked Lydia and Eliza into bed and said goodnight, I came out to the living room couch and wept. The last night of just the two of them without their little brother around. I wrote in Lydia’s prayer journal that night, after having written in Eliza’s the day before. I am so proud of who they both are and the people they are becoming.

THE MORNING.

Kevin and I woke up around six in the morning and embraced. I did the slow roll out of bed that comes with being 9-months pregnant. It had been a physically challenging pregnancy with debilitating lower back pain for most of it. I was long ready to be on the other side. Kevin and I spent the next 45 minutes mostly in silence as we got ready. Little words were spoken, only prayers in our hearts for the day. We woke up Lydia and Eliza and got them ready to go over to my parent’s house in town. 

7:15am

As we drove to my parent’s house and on the way to the hospital, God gave us the most beautiful sunrise I have ever seen in Lawrence, Kansas. It was utterly shocking. The words that came across my mind immediately were these: Who is like our God?

[NOTE: If you know my story, you know that these words are significant to me. Who is like our God is the meaning of “Micah” in Hebrew. Micah is the name of the baby we lost to miscarriage in January 2021.] 

Immediately I felt Micah with me. This gift from God felt so personal. Like He wanted to just show off and lavish me with His comfort and love. Tears welled as I dropped Lydia and Eliza off, and I sensed Micah remained with me. Thank you God for the most perfect morning.

The song “The Bones” by Maren Morris came on as we drove north down Iowa Street to the hospital, a song that Kevin and I have listened to many times together. A song about handling adversity with someone you love, but not falling or breaking because the foundation is strong. In the hard journey of this last year, our foundation has been built on the rock of Christ. Our marriage has remained strong. No matter what life threw at us, we stood firm in faith and love. I added this song to our labor playlist as the final song and sang out loud as we drove. 

8:55am

After getting checked in, IV set up, and getting to know our nurse Colleen, my sister Rosie arrived. We caught up briefly before Dr. Riggs came in to break my water. I was dilated at 5cm, 80% effaced, -2 station. While I hadn’t felt a contraction yet, labor started.  

10:18am

After an hour of walking up and down hallways, waiting for contractions to start, I finally felt a slightly stronger contraction.

11:30am

We spent more time walking up and down the hallways, and while I had a few contractions here and there, I was starting to get impatient and feel anxious. Morning was closing down, and so far, I was progressing slower than I had during my induction with Eliza. We returned to the room, and I started considering Pitocin – a medicine that would increase labor and speed of contractions. While I talked this over with Kevin and Rosie, the nurse walked in to tell us that CJ’s heart rate was dropping with contractions. This was most likely a sign that the cord was wrapped around his body somewhere, and likely wrapped around his neck. I was no longer allowed to leave the room. We needed to monitor Caleb’s heart rate closely from here. As I processed this news, the fear and longing to hold my son came. Just as I was considering Pitocin one last time, I felt contractions picking up. I moved to sitting on the stability ball to start active labor. 

Shortly after, active labor was increasing, and so was the pain. I looked at my husband and sister in one moment and said, “I feel weak. I feel weaker than I’ve been with past labors.” Kevin shared the gospel truth of God’s strength in me. After a pause, Rosie looked at me and said, “Maggie, you are weak. And THIS is the year you actually embraced that you are weak. You’ve acknowledged that you need God’s strength in ways you never have before, that you can’t do it on your own. Because of this, you’re stronger than I’ve ever seen you before.”

The Holy Spirit took over in that moment. I was reminded instantly of my prayer for 2021: “embrace my humanness.” Many were praying this over my life, and I remember writing it down the day before our miscarriage and asking God to help me understand that my humanness – my brokenness, weakness, and imperfections – were beautiful because HE created me human, and HE designed me to be dependent on Him to be made complete and experience true joy and peace.

This was a turning point for me in labor. I embraced my humanness, my weakness, just like I had all year long. God’s strength became alive in me.

11:55am

I had progressed to 6cm, 0 station. I asked my nurse what position would make labor go the quickest. She recommended laboring on my side with the peanut-shaped ball between my legs. 

Rosie and Kevin repeated “keep breathing, relax, stay in control. God’s giving you His strength in each breath.” Kevin held my hand and kept his face near mine, whispering encouragement and truth, while Rosie put pressure on my back when I needed it. I continued to repeat “God’s strength in me” in my mind, sometimes out loud, through most remaining contractions. 

12:34pm

As I had at this point mentally prepared to be in labor longer, I decided to try to make it to the bathroom. After using the toilet and enduring a contraction there, I saw blood dripping down my legs. My nurse came in at that moment letting me know that was my “bloody show” and sternly telling me to get back in the hospital bed so she could check me. I was at 8cm, and she said she was going to call in Dr. Riggs.

12:40pm

Within five minutes of returning to the hospital bed, I was feeling the urge to push. I told Kevin this as the room filled with additional nurses and shortly after, my doctor. The nurses and staff all commented on how calm the room was and what great music we had. Maverick City Music’s “Not Afraid” featuring Naomi Raine & Mav City Gospel Choir had just started. One nurse who walked in said, “Jesus-music playing in here. This is my playlist at home!” Dr. Riggs, now gowned and ready, checked me and I was dilated at 10cm! She moved me into the pushing position and told me to push at the next contraction. As she was saying that, a contraction had already started. “Do you mean this one that’s starting right now?” I asked. I got the confirmation to push once and CJ crowned immediately. My doctor paused me long enough to check for a cord around CJ’s neck, and there was no cord. I got the go ahead to push again.

12:45pm

At 12:45pm, just 45 minutes after my moment of weakness and crying out to the Lord, before the 4-minute song ended, Caleb Jordan was born. In the words of Dr. Riggs, he was born with “one push and half a contraction.”

As God’s strength had taken over and the words “I’m not afraid” rang out from the song, I’ve been reminded of truly what a holy moment that was. The lyrics perfectly coincided with the verse that we chose for Caleb Jordan’s nursery and have been praying over his life: “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” (Joshua 1:9)

Kevin immediately started weeping and I cried out “My son, my son!” repeatedly. It took him a few seconds to start crying, so nurses were using towels to dry him off and get him to start screaming. As the cry started Caleb also started peeing which made us laugh with joy as he was set on my chest. We have a boy! We embraced and treasured our son in our arms.

1:05pm

We saw CJ’s dark hair and deep, blue-grey eyes, similar to his sisters, but other than those features he looked so unique. We examined him head to toe, and I also closed my eyes to just feel him. “It is Well” by Bethel came on the speaker. As Dr. Riggs stitched me up, reporting no major tears, she joked, “I wish you would have pushed more so we could have jammed out to your music longer!” She also told CJ before she left the room that he was one of the luckiest kids she knew. Colleen, our nurse who has been doing labor and delivery for 20+ years, told us later that his birth was one of the most beautiful births she had ever witnessed between our worship of God, our calm and control, and Kevin and my love and support for each other. Another nurse came back in to tell us, “The way you two were together—and maybe it was the music—I just had to say, that was beautiful.” I treasure all these words and praise God for creating such a holy space for Caleb’s birth, and write them here so one day I can share them with my son, remembering every detail.

2:20pm

I needed medicine to help my uterus continue to contract because it was not firming up fast enough. Kevin enjoyed his first skin to skin time with CJ and Rosie returned with Chipotle for my lunch. The nurse took CJ’s vitals, and after speculating over/under 9 pounds, we all cheered and laughed when the scale showed us: 9 pounds, 12 ounces. He measured 21.5 inches – so he passed Eliza in weight and Lydia in height, making him our biggest baby of our three!

GOING HOME.

At 6am the next morning, during an early morning nursing hour, Kevin and I turned on The Voice season finale. This was a redemptive moment for us. In January, we had watched the Season 19 finale during our actual miscarrying and passing of baby Micah. We would pause the show during frequent trips to the bathroom and sessions of tears, and it helped distract the pain of the cramping and miscarriage that lasted late into the night. It’s not a memory I choose to look back on often, but as the Lord redeems in ways ever so personal, He redeemed this memory too. We watched Season 21 of The Voice finale, but this time with Caleb born, holding him in our arms.

We had just a few performances left to watch when a nurse came in early to take Caleb away to do his circumcision, so we stopped the show and tried to get another hour of sleep. 

As we were preparing to leave and waiting on discharge medications, we decided to play the final few minutes of the season finale. I set out a few different outfits to dress CJ for coming home. The final performance by Wendy Moten was “Over the Rainbow.” I looked down at the two rainbow outfits I held in my two hands, gifted to us for our “rainbow baby.” I said out loud to Kevin, “Well, this song is appropriate,” and held up the rainbows to show him.

Kevin, holding Caleb in his arms, immediately broke into tears, and my tears came shortly after as I processed the weight of that moment.

We miscarried Micah while watching the finale of this show.
We held Caleb close in the hospital while watching the finale of this show.
We were minutes away from going home, from bringing our healthy baby boy home.
The final song of the episode, that we happened to be watching in this moment, sang so beautifully, was “Over the Rainbow.”

God sees us.
God redeems our pain and restores our joy, so personally.
Thank you, God, for your great love. 

Kevin and I held each other and cried as we looked down at Caleb Jordan Tietz, our rainbow baby, our unexpected miracle. And within minutes from that moment, we took him home. 

–

When God made you, CJ, this much is true—
the world got to meet who God already knew.

naming caleb jordan.

1 Comment

With great joy, Kevin and I named our daughters Lydia Evelyn and Eliza Rose within hours after finding out their genders around 20 weeks pregnant. Our last pregnancy, we had decided on “Micah” boy or girl and had been referring to Micah by name within a few days after we found out we were pregnant.

Through our first two pregnancies with Lydia and Eliza, Micah had been our top boy’s name. We’d hardly even considered other boy names because we were so sure of it. So, after losing Micah to miscarriage, and nearing halfway on our rainbow-baby pregnancy, brainstorming boy names were a total blank slate. 

As we awaited the gender, “Baby J” had been this baby’s nickname from early on, mostly due to the Jayhawk mascot and being a KU family! Along the way, we also wondered if this kid would have a J name and the nickname “J” would stick for the rest of their life. When it came down to the week of our gender reveal, we had our top three girl names and top three boy names, and all of them started with the letter “J” except one late addition: Caleb.

Caleb means faithful, whole-hearted devotion, brave, and courageous. It was the meaning behind this name that drew us in most, as I’ll get into more later. As the days before our gender reveal grew closer, we landed on our top girl’s name, but our boy’s name remained unclear. Every time we casually discussed boy names, ultimately, we couldn’t even fathom having a boy! The very thought that blue balloons could come out of that box felt so surreal to me that naming a son was even less comprehendible. So, Kevin and I stacked hands on our girl’s name and when it came to our boy’s name we agreed: let’s cross that bridge when we get there.

T H E . R E V E A L .

On the Sunday before our 20-week appointment and gender reveal, I was sitting in church, and our pastor closed his sermon by inviting us to intentionally avoid distractions and listen to the voice of God. I had been preoccupied all sermon-long recounting regrets from the day and overanalyzing what others thought of me, constantly replaying situations in my head. As I paused to ask God what He had to say and put away the tormenting distractions in my mind, the Holy Spirit brought this Scripture to mind:

“If we are faithless, He remains faithful” (2 Timothy 2:13).

God, I feel so faithless, and so full of doubt… 
“I AM FAITHFUL.”
This year, this season, it’s been so hard… 
“I AM FAITHFUL.”
But God, what if…?
“I AM FAITHFUL.”

My thoughts had been interrupted, and I could not get His words “I am faithful” out of my head. It was as if the very voice of God had been written on my heart. I could no longer think of my faithless regrets, only of the Grace that comes through Christ alone. Praise God, even in our doubts and disbeliefs, even when we lack faith, HE IS FAITHFUL. 

As we were driving away after church, I shared this moment with Kevin. I knew that God wanted to draw my attention away from my faithlessness in that moment and focus my attention on His faithfulness – and to give my God the worship and glory He deserves. To rest in His grace. I also told Kevin, with open hands: “If we are having a boy, did God just give me his name? Will our son’s name forever remind me that God is faithful?”

I pondered these things in my heart, but Wednesday’s reveal still needed to come. 

O U R . B O Y .

Even though I had said that out loud to Kevin days before, that Lydia had insisted all pregnancy that Baby J was a boy, and I’d had a dream about being pregnant with a boy two weeks before our positive test… still I doubted and convinced myself that we were having a third girl. We had an all-girl family, and surely that’s how it would always be…

We had decided to save the special moment of finding out the gender of Baby J until we could have the moment with our daughters Lydia and Eliza at our sides. After a healthy 20-week appointment and the gender sealed in an envelope, we gave the sealed envelope to a dear friend who put together a box filled with balloons and streamers for the reveal. We invited a few close friends and family to join in the celebration. This same friend caught on video our reaction: shock, surprise, excitement, and literal jumping for joy when blue balloons and streamers indeed poured over our heads! 

It’s a boy! He’s a boy! We are having a son!

While we processed all the emotions – the excitement, the fear, the joy – it was within the full week after this reveal that God confirmed our son’s name, Caleb Jordan. His nickname around the house has slowly changed from Baby J to Baby CJ. 

C A L E B . J O R D A N . 

Most of 2020 through the start of 2021 was a difficult season for our family, even before our miscarriage in January. Heading into the year, the Lord gave Kevin the word “courage.” His constant prayer: Lord, give me more courage. Kevin’s conviction was that it’s not about getting things right or having the right answers, but simply having more courage. For me, I felt that I was constantly being reminded into the new year to “embrace my humanness.” My conviction was that it’s not about my ability to be faithful on my own, but that God alone is faithful, and He created me—human—to depend on Him, and that dependence is not weakness; that dependance is beautiful.

As I mentioned earlier, Caleb means “faithful, whole-hearted devotion, brave, and courageous.” It truly was the meaning of his name that we couldn’t get past because of how it fit with the exact words and prayers we’d been praying for in this season of our life. It encompassed both the word COURAGE and FAITHFUL. We needed courage to rise redeemed out of a season of darkness and to re-enter hope and intimate relationships. We needed our faith to be dependent on God and not on ourselves in the depths of our grief.

As we look back on this entire season, it was more than just that moment sitting in church and hearing God draw my attention to His faithfulness, but GOD has made His faithfulness known throughout our entire pregnancy with Caleb Jordan, from the unplanned timing of conception to the joy of discovering we will raise a son! 

For his middle name, Jordan means “to flow down.” The Jordan River has very significant symbolism in the Bible and has provided several meanings for us. Water is a representation of new life. Just as Caleb Jordan is the sign of new life after loss, so water represents new life in Christ through baptism.

Secondly, the Jordan River is another symbol and reminder of God’s faithfulness to His people. After wondering 40 years in the desert, after decades of unfaithfulness and turning away from the Lord, God carries the Hebrew people through the Jordan River and into the Promised Land. The Israelites were faithless, but God remained faithful. And then, centuries later, God chooses to send His son Jesus into the world – the ultimate symbol of His faithfulness to a faithless human race. God had spoken of Jesus’ coming through the kings and prophets, and again He was faithful to carry out His promise. And where does Jesus’ ministry begin? Jesus’ ministry begins with His baptism in the Jordan River.

The Jordan River is where Jesus was baptized and truly began His ministry on earth after 30 years of waiting (Mark 1:9-11).

Together, Caleb Jordan means “faithfulness and courage flow down.” And wow, has God’s faithfulness and courage flowed down from heaven to us through this precious life!

T H E . N A M I N G .

After a weekend trip away, about a week after the reveal, I was sitting down during Lydia and Eliza’s nap time and praying that God would confirm our son’s name to me. I was drawn to study the Scriptures and the life of Caleb, a courageous and faithful warrior. I found the account in Numbers 13-14 of Caleb, who enters to story as one who took part in Israel’s great exodus from Egypt, through the parting of the Red Sea, a rising leader among the tribe of Judah. As I read that story, I saw Caleb’s faithfulness and whole-hearted devotion to God in the face of disapproval and even death. I saw Caleb’s courage to speak out against all of Israel to trust in God’s faithfulness. I read about the way that God honored Caleb’s whole-hearted devotion and courage by allowing him to be one among only two from his generation that would see Israel indeed experience and receive the Promised Land.  

As I read Numbers 13:30, the words nearly leapt off the page: “Then Caleb quieted the people in the presence of Moses and said, ‘Let’s go up now and take possession of the land because we can certainly conquer it!’”

Again, in Numbers 14:8-9, Caleb along with Joshua persist against Israel’s betrayal and faithlessness, saying: “Don’t rebel against the Lord and don’t be afraid of the people of the land… the Lord is with us. Don’t be afraid of them!”

And yet, Israel chooses to deny God, and as God’s just wrath comes, God spares Caleb and acknowledges his faithfulness: “But since my servant Caleb has a different spirit and has remained loyal to me, I will bring him into the land where he has gone, and his descendants will inherit it” Numbers 14:24.

This kind of courage, this kind of faithfulness, that is our prayer for our Caleb Jordan. That he would live a life of courage and whole-hearted devotion to his God and King. In this moment that I was praying for our son, Kevin spontaneously walked in the door, and we studied the Scriptures together. Tears filled our eyes and we prayed. God had just revealed Caleb Jordan’s name to us. 

1 0 . W E E K S . L A T E R .

The past 10 weeks have been a blur since that day, and as I write this, I am nearly 32 weeks pregnant. CJ is moving all the time, day and night, whether I’m laying down, sitting, or walking. We just finished a very busy few months of work and life and I should be spending more time on the couch. Lydia and Eliza love watching CJ grow and give him hugs and kisses and talk with him every single day. Lydia is constantly asking questions about his arrival and always follows up on how his doctor’s appointments go. Lydia and Eliza have both made a habit of praying for baby CJ at night to grow healthy and strong. Our whole family is counting down the weeks until his arrival! 

With only 8 weeks to go, I’m trying to start a small baby registry and think about boy nursery items but the little boy clothes and decor all still feel very foreign to me. As we transition Eliza to her sister’s room and start getting CJ’s room ready in a few weeks, I wonder if adding a third, a son, to our family will start to feel more real. Chasing two toddlers with physical pain and fatigue from pregnancy don’t allow much time for planning and dreaming for the future, but it also makes the moments that I stop to pray or dream that much sweeter.

Lord, thank you for this little life. Thank you for Caleb Jordan. Thank you for our son. May he continuously remind us of Your faithfulness flowing down to us and to have courage no matter what season we are in. We can’t wait to meet you, CJ.

rainbow baby.

Leave a comment

Spring was a season of grieving and healing. As March approached, we crossed the two-month mark of our miscarriage. My doctor told us to wait two months to start trying again for another pregnancy to ensure my body had fully healed. While still processing our loss of baby Micah, I began to place hope in a new pregnancy – a new life, predestined by the sovereignty of God, that could redeem and give understanding to our loss. Lord willing, there is another child we were meant to hold and raise on this earth.

I convinced Kevin that we should wait one more month to try again for one reason alone: Let’s avoid a December baby. With Eliza’s birthday on the 10th and mine on the 19th, plus Christmas, plus other immediate family, I feared that not being excited about a December-due-date baby would trigger more sadness of our August-due-date loss. 

So, we protected and prevented for about two weeks around the window of my expected ovulation. 

Our God had different things in store. 

Around that time, I got my first dose of the COVID vaccine, and I remember marking on the sheet “Not pregnant/no chance of being pregnant.” I hesitated before I marked the box and thought to myself, there’s no way. The same week, I had a dream that I was pregnant and remember laughing about it to my friends after church. To them I reiterated, there’s no way it’s true.

In mid-April, a few days before our cross-country spring family vacation, I woke up one morning feeling off. I thought to myself: Surely, it’s because my period is coming soon. When is my period coming? I grabbed my phone and opened up my fertility tracking app, which read:

6 days late.

My first thought was surprise. Clearly it had not been on my radar at all. My period must be coming today, I thought to myself. As the day came and went, reality started to set in, and I experienced a lot of emotions: denial, anger, confusion, anxiousness, fear.

But as the sun set and the next morning came, a new day, the Lord gave me peace even in the unknown. I needed to take a pregnancy test. 

I picked up a box of pregnancy tests at the store and waited for a moment to take one with Kevin. Waiting for a 4th positive test is an experience I wasn’t sure I’d ever have. When we saw the double line, indicating positive, the Lord gifted us in that moment with joy. All we could do was smile and laugh.

Our new journey had begun.
Our rainbow baby.
Our surprise.

OK God, we get it. YOU are in control. Even when we try, we can’t control the way that you create life, in your timing. We trust you with this child, that his or her days are numbered—just as we’ve trusted you with our first three: Lydia, Eliza, and Micah. 

FIRST APPOINTMENT.

Perhaps it was the distraction of vacation or the shock and joy of our pregnancy, but the fear and anxiety of pregnancy after loss didn’t set in until Kevin and I were laying in bed together the night before our first appointment. I broke down in tears. 

Our appointment. Our appointment was where we found out that Micah’s heart had stopped beating. Everything was fine before our appointment.

Kevin and I prayed together and once again had to relinquish control and trust God. We just needed to get to the other side of our appointment. 

It all felt so familiar – except for one major difference. Thank God, Kevin was at the appointment with me. (He was not able to come to our sonogram with Micah due to COVID.) We held hands as the sonogram started.

“This baby is measuring much smaller than your projected due date,” the sonogram tech said immediately. 

After a deep breath, I let my sonogram tech know our story. I let her know that there was absolutely zero chance that this baby was conceived between the window of 7-9 weeks ago. With that, she assured me that she was no longer worried about baby’s size. Our baby had a healthy heartbeat and healthy size for a 6-week pregnancy. They moved my due date back about two weeks.

Turns out, I had ovulated 12 days late.
Our due date?
December 17.
Right in between mine and Eliza’s birthdays.
The exact week we wanted to avoid.

But at that point, I could care less about the shared birthday week.
The only thing that mattered: our baby was healthy.

While we celebrated, we also kept up our hearts guarded. Micah’s heartbeat didn’t stop until 10 weeks. We still had a long way to go.

SECOND APPOINTMENT.

Our second appointment was set for 10.5 weeks pregnant and the day before we left for our Young Life summer assignment. This timing almost mirrored the same appointment we found out about our last loss. As first trimester nausea began to cease and a few trips provided much-needed distractions, anxiety came in again as Kevin and I left for our second appointment. 

There was nothing I could do to control any of the circumstances. We just needed to get to the other side of our appointment. 

The plan was to detect baby’s heartbeat on the Doppler with our nurse practitioner. When she came in the room, she assured me that I was on the early side so if they didn’t catch a heartbeat, not to be immediately worried.

Within 15 seconds of doing the Doppler and no heartbeat detected, she stopped suddenly and said, “We’re doing a sonogram.”

Kevin and I just waited anxiously behind a closed door for our sonogram.
More waiting.

When the sonogram tech got us and led us to the room for our sonogram, Kevin held my hand tight again. I took a deep breath, in this all-too-familiar space, staring at the screen in front of me.

Within two seconds of our baby being on the screen, the sonogram tech knew what I needed to hear, “Your baby is a great size and a healthy heartbeat.”

I wept.
Instantly.
I cried so hard that she had to stop the sonogram.
I couldn’t stop crying.
–tears of absolute relief and gratitude.

When I finally could regain control of my breathing and slow down my tears, we started the sonogram again. Our tech explained that my placenta was anterior which is why they couldn’t pick up baby’s heartbeat on the Doppler. She assured me that was normal, and we even got to see our baby wave and kick!

Finally, we could take a deep breath. We allowed ourselves to fully celebrate this little life.

THE END TO THE FIRST TRIMESTER.

To be honest, it feels like I’ve waiting 6 months to be out of my first trimester. And I’ve never been happier to see my baby bump grow than I have these last few weeks! At almost 15 weeks, Lydia and Eliza have taken notice of “Baby J” growing. Lydia has started praying for Baby J at night and praising God for his life. (She’s convinced he’s a boy…we will see at 20 weeks!) Lydia even taught Eliza how to “kiss” Baby J on my belly and at night they take turns kissing my belly. This new daily routine is the sweetest gift. 

There have been so many mixed emotions this pregnancy.
I have cried as many tears for Micah in this pregnancy as I did before. I still miss Micah.
Yet I also rejoice in this new life.
Sitting in the tension of both of those emotions—joy and grief—in a way I never have quite before.
To rejoice is to also grieve, and to grieve is to also rejoice.

Yet I need to feel and experience each emotion separately.
I need to remind myself that grieving Micah doesn’t mean loving “Baby J” any less.
Celebrating Baby J doesn’t mean missing Micah any less.
To be honest, I’m still sitting in this tension.

There are days when I have peace, but still moments when I break down and cry as the heartbreak of losing a child and the tension between the two emotions overwhelm me. 

ALL I KNOW.

If there is anything that this fourth pregnancy has shown me, it’s that I literally can’t take control, even when I try! The fact that our pregnancy was an unplanned surprise has somehow given me more peace to let go and let God be God.

Early in pregnancy I came across this Bible verse: “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the LORD. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.” (Isaiah 55:8-9)

God’s ways are not my ways, His thoughts are not my thoughts. His ways are higher, higher than I can comprehend. All I know is I need Him. I run to the Father and I fall into His grace… again, and again, and again.

So here we go. December, you don’t scare me anymore.

We are ready for you baby number 4, our rainbow baby.
We are ready to name you, find out your gender, and prepare our home for you.
We are ready to meet you, hold you, and raise you. 
You are the one we’ve been waiting for.

God chose you, and we choose you too. 
We are yours, and you are mine. 

any day now.

Leave a comment

This is the first time since entering my third trimester that I’ve had the chance to sit down and write. Yet here I am, 37 weeks, 4 days. Dilated at a “5cm+.” Increased Braxton Hicks and practice labor three of the last four days. Hospital bags packed. I’m sitting in Eliza’s almost-finished nursery while Lydia sleeps. I’m sitting in here trying to process the reality that we’ve finally hit the any day now stage of pregnancy. Kevin, Lydia and my world is about to change… any day now.

It’s been a challenging last few months. This pregnancy, by far, has been worse on my body than my first. Braxton Hicks and piercing abdomen cramps wake me up at night. One night, I felt paralyzed laying on my back and couldn’t move for several minutes, panicking to tears and waking up my husband who proceeded to lift me to an upright position through piercing pain and coach me through breathing until the cramping went away. Daily I’ve been pushing through hemorrhoids, heartburn, pelvic pressure, fatigue, and not to mention seasonal colds and a teething toddler.

I’m ashamed to admit that there’ve been moments where I’ve longed for the days of not being pregnant more than the day that I will meet this precious little girl growing inside of me. It’s hard to bring attention to a child inside of me that I can’t see, and much easier to bring my attention to the discomfort I’m feeling. I remember confessing this to God one day as I clung to the words in 2 Corinthians 4:16-18:

“We do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.”

There have been days where I physically feel like my body is wasting away and breaking down. On the harder days, I praise God for practical truth that reminds me to

bring my attention
not to the physical
to what is seen
what is temporary,
but to the spiritual
what is unseen
what is eternal.

He promises us that our light and momentary afflictions are actually preparing us for eternal glory beyond all comparison. We may feel, emotionally or physically, the brokenness of sin in our world, but He has promised to renew our Spirit within us, every day, as we cling to Him.

And He is a God who is faithful to fulfill His good promises.

 

J O Y F U L . P R O M I S E .

Does this sub-title look familiar? If you read my post Naming Eliza Rose, you’ll recall that Eliza’s name means “joyful promise.” This has been a season of choosing joy as I cling to His promises.

About a month ago, we had the privilege of taking a family vacation to the beach for a long weekend of rest, to slow down, and treasure our last few weeks as a family of three before Eliza makes her arrival. With family help and an automatic-reply email set up for work, I fully unplugged and spent much needed quality time with the Lord through the weekend. One day while overlooking the ocean waves, I found myself in 1 Kings 8 when King Solomon dedicates the temple after the process of building it was finally complete. In a lengthy sermon, Solomon again and again echoes praises to God for fulfilling His promises. God had promised to David that his son, Solomon, would be king, and that Solomon would see the temple completed during his reign. Solomon is full of joy as he meditates on how God fulfilled this promise!

I paused from my reading and thought of my Eliza, being reminded in this story of the meaning behind her name. I felt the Holy Spirit prompting me to pray for her, that she would have the gift of wisdom like Solomon and have eyes to see the way that God fulfills His promises. I prayed that she would know and trust fully in the joy of His promises.

I’m not one to ask for a sign much, but I felt the urge to open-handedly pray, “God, if this is from you, would Eliza move right now?”

Immediately after praying that prayer, I felt her move in my womb.

Overcome with peace and comfort, I continued to pray for her and also praise God that He felt so real in that moment. As I sat to finish 1 Kings 8, I came to verse 56:

“Blessed be the Lord who has given rest to His people Israel, according to all that He promised. Not one word has failed of all His good promise…”

As if to just lavish me with His love, unbeknownst to me, I stumbled upon a mirror image verse of Joshua 23:14…

The verse I read the morning after we found out we were having a girl.
The verse I read while contemplating the name Eliza Rose, which means joyful promise.
The verse I wrote about in my post 3 months before this moment.
The verse that sealed her name.

“You know in your hearts and souls, all of you, that not one word has failed of all the good things that the Lord your God promised concerning you. All have come to pass for you; not one of them has failed.”

I sat in awe.

In an incredibly busy third trimester that included three weeks of travel, work events and deadlines, and a sprint to the end—a third trimester that has taken a beating on my body—it’s been these quiet moments of overwhelming peace, hope, and joy that have gotten me through.

 

S H E . W H O . B E L I E V E S .

As Kevin and I place the finishing touches on Eliza’s nursery, we picked out the verse that will hang above her crib. We hope that Eliza will keep this piece of art with her when she moves out of our house one day—yet even more—we hope and pray that this verse will be on her heart for all of eternity. It’s the second verse I mentioned in my previous post as we were in the process of naming Eliza. It echoes the words of Elizabeth as she greets her sister Mary, pregnant with Jesus, our Savior and Messiah, in Luke 1:45:

“Blessed is she who believed that the Lord would fulfill His promises to her!”

The word believed will be emphasized as an encouragement that we must choose to believe, to trust, to have faith, even when the promise is yet unseen. We must choose hope and choose truth in any season of waiting. And blessed will we be on the day when we get to look back and say not one word has failed of all the good things that the Lord my God promised! All have come to pass, not one of them has failed.

So here I sit.
Waiting.
Praising.
Hopeful.
Joyful.
The wait is almost over, any day now.

I am choosing to trust God’s timing, not my own, not my doctor’s, not what other people say based on my dilation or contractions or due date. God alone is the author of her birth story. In His perfect time, in His perfect will, Eliza Rose, we are ready to meet you.

baby two.

Leave a comment

As I write, I’m sitting and looking out a window of our guest house on Table Rock Lake. To the west, I see a beautiful sunset, colors of pink, orange, yellow and blue painted across the sky, shadowing the Ozark Mountains. One glance to the east, and I see rain pouring onto the lake from a distance.

Such is life.

With one look you see the beautiful blessings that God provides, and in the next glance you see the brokenness of the world we live in.

I feel this tension every day, and especially in this moment as I sit down to write and process the fact that I am 14 weeks pregnant with my second child. I see the sunset. 14 weeks. Out of the first trimester. Out of the higher risk for miscarriage. Into the second trimester, just six weeks away from finding out the gender of our baby, and just 26 weeks away from meeting him or her face to face.

The next glance.

Since arriving at Young Life Camp three weeks ago for our summer assignment, two friends from my church community back home have lost babies through miscarriage. I see the rain. I feel the brokenness. I wish I could stop their storms. I wish I could trade places with them some days just to take away their hurt, their grief, their fear.

but
here
I
am

experiencing the beautiful sunset and merely glancing at the storm from a distance.

To be honest, I didn’t want to write this. I fought guilt in posting a photo of pregnancy. These two friends with recent losses aren’t the only ones I’m walking life with experiencing pregnancy loss or infertility. There are many more. The last thing I want is to be a trigger for others pain and grief. It makes me want to run and hide and pretend that I’m not experiencing the incredible blessing of having a second child that will be only 19 months apart from our first.

It’s hard to admit that I inflict shame on myself for experiencing this blessing when I have absolutely no control over my circumstances or those of others when it comes to fertility. But what I do know is this: In the midst of the broken world we live in, I have a God who redeems.

I have a God who sees the beginning and the end.
I have a God who is writing my story and their stories perfectly for His good and His glory.
While it may not seem good right now, I have a God that will see it through in His perfect timing.
He will calm their storms and bring them to the shelter of His presence and His peace.
He will redeem the hurt, the pain, the fear, and the grief, and they will rise redeemed.

With eyes wide open to the blessings of my circumstances, here’s my story.

 

F I N D I N G . O U T .

Kevin and I have always dreamed of having kids close in age. I grew up with three siblings within four years of each other, including having a twin. I have wonderful memories of childhood and still love how close the four of us are to this day. Around the time that Lydia was 9 months old, I remember feeling disappointed that I wasn’t pregnant yet, but also wanting to trust my body and trust God’s timing. I remember taking a pregnancy test, that was negative, right before I got the stomach flu. It was the first time I experienced disappointment from a pregnancy test, and I realized that it was time to start praying intentionally for God to provide another child. However, I lowered my expectations and set my mind on the present season.

A few weeks later, around the time that Lydia was 10 months old and shortly after my best friend Keely’s gender reveal party, I had a dream. In the dream, I was having a conversation with Keely and said, “You’re pregnant with a girl… I’m also pregnant with a girl!” I told Keely about it the next morning at church but shook it off as just a dream, again masking my hopes that it was reality.

About five days later and a few days after my missed period, I had another dream that I was pregnant. The next morning, I asked Kevin to pick up a pregnancy test at the store simply for “peace of mind.” When he got excited, I quickly quieted his emotions because I told him that I didn’t want him to feel let down if we weren’t pregnant, insisting that I didn’t “feel” pregnant.

The busy day began and turned out to be quite chaotic. Lydia was biting me while nursing throughout the day and having quite a few toddler moments. Even during happy hour with a few friends, I made a joke about it being my last drink but continuing to doubt that I was actually pregnant. “My cycle has been off since breastfeeding….” I claimed, among other excuses. That night I had yet another rough feeding attempt before putting Lydia to sleep and actually had to pump after. (PS, I found out later that hormones could change the taste of breastmilk for her? I’m going with that, or else, a strange coincidence that it was all on this day.) Finally, after a long day, I sat down to pump. As I was pumping, I felt a wave of nausea and extreme thirst. And that’s when it hit me. Oh my God, I feel pregnant.

Taking the pregnancy test was no longer casual after that because I knew in that moment that I was pregnant. After cleaning up my pumping supplies and confirming that Lydia was sound asleep, I grabbed the pregnancy test and started shaking as I took it, my mind racing as the pieces of how I felt the last few days were coming together. I left the test in the bathroom and after a minute or two, insisted that Kevin go in to grab the test and confirm. Around 9pm that Friday evening, I saw the look on Kevin’s face as he read it out loud and smiled. “You’re pregnant.”

Immediately we embraced in joy and excitement and—me being me—I quickly downloaded my old pregnancy app and pulled up my calendar to calculate our due date and plan out the next 9 months of our life.

 

F I R S T . T R I M E S T E R .

About one week into finding out I was pregnant, I got the stomach flu, really bad. I look back now and laugh that I thought it was pregnancy symptoms at first, so I tried to push through my work day. I remember the relief I felt when I realized I was sick and that this pregnancy shouldn’t feel that miserable all the time! Those few days forced me to slow down and just remember my dependence on the Lord throughout this chaotic season. I wrote more about what those two months looked like in my recent two entries, “finished.” and “work ahead.”

About a month later, I had my first doctor’s appointment. After my sonogram, they pushed my due date one week later to December 13. My cycle was indeed off since I was still breastfeeding. It was a small reminder that regardless of Kevin and my attempts at “trying” to get pregnant, I ovulated a week later than normal, and we happened to get lucky. The timing made it feel even less of something we could have controlled and made me even more grateful for the way God orchestrated it all. Truly it was He that created this little life and spoke his or her name into existence.

It didn’t take long for me to start showing way earlier this time around. My stretched out skin and belly button quickly popped back out, and around 7 weeks, I realized that I needed to start telling friends before they could look at me and see for themselves! Nausea and aversions were in full swing, so I slowly starting weaning Lydia in hopes that would help. Lydia was fully weaned around the time I was 10 weeks pregnant, and nausea ceased shortly after that. I was also wrapping up my Master’s degree at that time, leaving behind a lot of stress that I’m sure wasn’t helping. It was a tough few months not feeling well and working really hard with a lot of late nights. I had little time to process the fact that I was pregnant and merely just trying to survive!

 

R E A D Y . F O R . T W O .

We publicly announced our pregnancy right before leaving for our month-long summer camp assignment for Young Life. Being at camp has allowed me time to rest and time to spend one-on-one time with Lydia in this sweet season before Baby #2 comes. It has allowed me time to process the previous two months as well as physically, emotionally, and spiritually recover.

As I hit the 14-week milestone and am headed into our final week away from home, I feel peace and a readiness to look forward to December and begin making preparations. I’ve started to process the fact that I am going to love another tiny human as much as I love Lydia. That he or she will be like Lydia… but different. Their own person.

Sometimes I get scared. Will I really love baby two as much as I love my first? It seems hard to fathom. I also have feared: will God provide the finances for us to support a family of four on a ministry salary? Will we be able to afford sending them both to college? In all these fears, He has comforted us and provided people to speak truth and encouragement to us.

Still, I am scared. Aren’t we all scared for the unknown? Will I be able to do it all? Will I be able to be a working momma of two? Will I be able to care for a newborn while having a toddler? Will God really provide the finances? Will our marriage continue to strengthen as life only seems to get more messy?

In the midst of the unknowns and the fears, I am thankful for a God who sustains me through it all and gives me peace, assurance, and confidence. He hasn’t failed me yet, and I choose to trust in His promise, that He never, ever will.

Baby two, we’re ready for you.

Lydia’s Birth Story

3 Comments

9 AM MONDAY

Monday, May 14 started out just like any other day. I had a cup of coffee and sat down for my morning quiet time with the Lord. Yet instead of sitting down on our porch or in my usual spot in the living room, I told my husband Kevin I was going to go spend time in our nursery praying for Lydia. At 39 weeks pregnant, I picked up a journal that was gifted to us to record prayers and thoughts for Lydia throughout her life. This is what I wrote:

Lydia – I am 39 weeks pregnant today. I am sitting and praying for you in our finished nursery. There is a verse above your crib that reads “Fear not, for I have redeemed you, I have called you by name, you are mine.” These are words that your Daddy and I believe have been spoken by God over your life. You belong to the Lord…

Jesus – I pray for our baby girl, that labor and delivery would not be delayed but come soon! We are ready to meet our little one! I am ready to bring her home and show her the place that we’ve prepared for her! Father God – bring her safely into this world and into my arms. Thank you God for the beautiful life that she is!

When we sit and pray and spend time with God, He conforms our heart according to His will. My heart was led to pray for the first time that morning that God would no longer delay her arrival. And that, indeed, was His will.

12 PM MONDAY

After some reading, cleaning, and a workout, my husband and I were off to our 39 week doctor’s appointment chatting briefly about the week’s activities and making plans for the rest of our afternoon. Everything about our appointment was normal. We got the news that I was dilated at over 4 cm, 90% effaced, and we laughed with our doctor about wanting her to come soon!

The final thing to do was to listen to Lydia’s heart rate. We waited for the familiar sound of her heart beating through the Doppler monitor, and while we heart her heart beat, my doctor’s face changed from a smile to a look of concern. Lydia’s heart rate was low. She instructed us that she wanted us to stay for further monitoring. After about 45 minutes of monitoring Lydia’s heart rate, we found the pattern. Each time she would move, her heart rate would go up as normal but then dip down suddenly below baseline. After getting a sonogram to check a few other things, our doctor sent us over to the labor and delivery unit for further monitoring to make sure that this drop wasn’t spontaneous activity.

2 PM MONDAY

We walked into a delivery room and my stomach was strapped with two monitors – one for Lydia’s heart rate, and one to measure contractions. The nurse left us alone and Kevin and I started to pray. Kevin’s prayer, similar to my own that morning, changed suddenly according to God’s will.

Lord, let us meet our daughter today.

An hour or so later, our doctor came back in. The pattern in Lydia’s heart rate had persisted, and she didn’t feel right sending us home. She informed me that she was admitting me into the hospital for an induction. We talked through our options and our attitude changed to excitement. This is the day we had been waiting for. We were finally going to meet our daughter!

4 PM MONDAY

They immediately started me with an IV of penicillin because of my group B strep while Kevin went home to grab our pre-packed hospital bags and a few last-minute items. As soon as Kevin came back, my doctor broke my water, and labor began.

5:30 PM MONDAY

We spent the next two hours being monitored, getting and IV, texting friends and family, walking the hallways, and processing what was happening. We prayed for Lydia’s heart rate and her health. We praised God for this day. With each increasing contraction, so was the reality of labor. My sister Rosie arrived for extra support and stayed in the room throughout labor, leaving just before delivery. We came up with a code word for every time I would start to feel a contraction. After laughing at all the possible words, we established a simple one. Now. Every time Kevin would hear the word now he would put out his hand, I would grab his hand, and we would together endure the pain.

7:30 PM MONDAY

After only progressing to a 4.5 cm, we made the decision with our doctor to start Pitocin (given through an IV) to induce labor. Within 30 minutes, my contractions increased to every 2-3 minutes. Lydia’s head was lowering, my dilation started increasing, and so did the pain.

For the past 8 months, Kevin and I have had a lot of conversations about our birth plan. I am so thankful that we stayed open-minded and that we could confidently accept the induction without being disappointed. The goal was healthy Lydia, whatever it takes. Yet one important preference was to not have pain medication or an epidural. We read a book together, took a class together, and spent time preparing for what the pain of childbirth would be and how we would approach the reality of that pain. For both medical and personal reasons, we stood firm in this decision. Throughout the next five hours, the pain increased with every contraction to undoubtedly the worst continuous physical pain I’ve ever experienced in my life. Yet we never lost control and God never left our side. There were four stages of the pain from my experience, which I will process below as I continue documenting the timeline of Lydia’s birth story.

8:30 PM MONDAY

After learning I was 5 cm dilated, I decided to do a labor position on the ball. Lydia was so low that the nurse couldn’t keep the heart rate monitor on outside of my stomach. One nurse had to actually hold it on to my stomach while I was laboring. I even tried the wireless monitor so I could get in the tub, but we quickly learned that made it even more difficult for the monitor to stay on. I got the chills and was shivering head to toe and started feeling nauseous. Whatever liquids I drank since being admitted I instantly threw up. The doctor decided to insert a heart monitor from the inside that would stick on the top of Lydia’s head. This allowed the nurses to completely leave the room and monitor from outside the room. Finally we were left alone – myself, Kevin and Rosie. We turned on worship music and the rest became a dream. I wish I could remember every detail but it was so surreal. This is around the time I hit stage one:

 

D I S T R A C T I N G . T H E . P A I N .

Back to laboring on the ball, what I remember from this stage was that Kevin would tell me to “dream Lydia dreams.” I thought about meeting my daughter. I thought about taking her on walks or taking her to the pool this summer. We tried to distract my mind from the pain. This didn’t last too long, and I quickly transitioned to stage two:

 

F I G H T I N G . O F F. T H E . P A I N .

We learned in this stage that I needed to actively fight the pain mentally so that I could relax and breathe through the pain. I found myself repeating phrases that Kevin would say throughout the climax of the contraction.

The pain is temporary.
It will pass.

10:15 PM MONDAY

After being checked again, I learned that I was dilated at 6.5 cm and 100% effaced. However, Lydia had turned slightly and she needed to be face down, so my doctor suggested that I change positions. With the front of the hospital bed raised, I was on my knees, arms over the top of the bed, rhythmically swaying my hips and breathing through each contraction. After a few moments of weakness, doubting to myself and Kevin, wondering if I could do this, wondering if it was too late for the epidural, I realized that I needed to change my mindset. This brings on stage 3:

 

A T T A C K I N G . T H E . P A I N .

Perhaps it was the former athlete, competitive side of me taking over, but all of a sudden I realized that I didn’t want the pain to win. I knew that I could be in control mentally over the pain with a mind-over-body approach. I simply needed to get my mind in a place to attack the pain. I needed to not think about the many hours and contractions to come, but take it one contraction, once at a time. Our repeating phrases changed:

It’s worth it.
Joy on the other side.

Over and over, we repeated these phrases, breathing through each contraction. Kevin was my rock and didn’t leave my side from this point forward. I would say now, reach for his hand, and he would coach me through the pain, reminding me of our phrases, reminding me that it’s worth it and that there’s joy on the other side. We found our rhythm and Kevin constantly reminded me that every contraction with an increase in pain meant I was one minute closer to meeting our daughter.

11:20 PM MONDAY

All of a sudden, I started feeling the urge to push. I asked Rosie to call in the nurse, I needed to be checked. I had figured out how to attack the pain, but resisting the urge to push was an entirely new experience. After being checked again, I learned that in just the last hour, I was dilated to a 9.5 cm. (I only needed to be at a 10 cm before I could push!) I needed to endure the pain just a little bit longer while Lydia got a little bit lower. Yet at this point not only was the pain a 10/10 on the pain scale, but I was also having to resist my entire body convulsing to want to push her out of me. It’s at this point that I transitioned to stage four:

 

E M B R A C I N G . T H E . P A I N .

As we got back into our labor position, Rosie came over to read scripture. This is what she read:

Very truly I tell you, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy. A woman giving birth to a child has pain because her time has come; but when her baby is born she forgets the anguish because of her joy that a child is born into the world. So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy. (John 16:20-22)

I was reminded in that moment about the Cross. I was reminded about the pain that Jesus suffered on the Cross because He loved me. I wondered in that moment how Jesus was able to find joy in His pain, because He knew that there would be joy – salvation for His beloved – on the other side of the Cross. I thought about how He was empowered by love to endure the pain and suffering on our behalf – because He loves us.

Kevin had been reminding me of the gospel and the presence of God was obvious throughout labor, but in this moment I looked at Kevin. I felt completely empowered by my love for him and my love for Lydia. We had one of the most intimate moments of our marriage. I told him that I was enduring this all with joy because of my love for him and my love for Lydia. He thanked me, spoke sweetly to me, and we held each other’s gaze for several moments before the next contraction came.

These overwhelming feelings of love allowed me to embrace the pain. My final phrase became:

Joy in the pain.

12 AM TUESDAY

The doctor came in for a check, and I was 10 cm dilated. Finally, it was time to push! Kevin remembers this scene much more than I do, as I was now on my back, continually enduring contractions and resisting the urge to push until my doctor and the delivery team was suited up and ready to go. The doctor gave me the instructions on how to position my body and how to orchestrate my breathing.

Each time I would feel a contraction coming on, now, I would take a deep breath in and out. Then one deep breath in, hold, and push as hard as I possibly could for 10 seconds. Pause, repeat three times until the contraction ended.

This stage was easier because I could finally use the pain towards something, but the amount of pressure that I felt as Lydia’s head started to come out was a whole new kind of painful sensation. Not very long after, Kevin and I could both look down and see the top of our sweet Lydia’s head coming out and we could see her dark brown hair.

While worship music had been playing throughout all of labor as background music, a song came on our bluetooth speaker about halfway through pushing. Hillsong United’s Lead Me to the Cross… The song that I walked down the aisle to on our wedding day. This was the sweetest gift from the Lord and a reminder to us in that moment of His presence.

The Lord was near. I prayed more actively in this stage during breaks between contractions. I needed God’s help to show me how to relax the right muscles, hold my breath, and push the right way so I could meet my daughter sooner. Finally my doctor informed me that she could make a 1 cm incision and then I’d meet my baby. Without a doubt, I said yes.

12:39 AM TUESDAY

I don’t remember even feeling the incision because of all the pressure. All I knew was that I was determined to meet my daughter. On the very next push, my doctor had to yell at me to stop pushing because my daughter was arriving! The next thing I knew I heard Lydia’s cry and she was immediately placed on my chest. I started repeating a different phrase in that moment, over and over:

My baby, my baby, my baby…

Kevin started crying as he came close. Whatever else followed – delivering the placenta, getting stitched from the incision, the emptying of fluids – nothing else mattered because I was holding my daughter. She stopped crying when she felt the warmth of my chest. I saw her eyes and I studied her from head to toe.

2 AM TUESDAY

After our family bonding time, they weighed her, measured her, and my sister and parents came into the room to meet Lydia. Then I was able to get up, use the bathroom on my own, and walk myself to the room down the hall next to my husband who was pushing our daughter in her hospital bassinet. I enjoyed the benefits of the quick recovery of natural childbirth, and we received compliments from doctors and nurses commenting on Lydia’s liveliness, their shock that I never once screamed or lost control, and commenting on Kevin’s steady and attentive presence.

.

Yes, the pain was worth it.
Immediately the pain of childbirth was forgotten.
Love, joy and relief washed over me.
Our daughter was here.

Lydia Evelyn Tietz
Born 12:39 AM on Tuesday, May 15, 2018
8 lbs 7 oz, 21 inches

Mother’s Day.

Leave a comment

Today is my first Mother’s Day, and as Kevin reminded me last night, the first of the rest of my life.

When I saw this date, May 13, 2018, just eight days away from my due date, I wondered if I would be spending Mother’s Day pregnant, in the hospital, or on the other side of Lydia’s birth. In this moment, early in the morning after yet another night of restless sleep, I sit in our nursery, wondering about meeting my daughter.

Baby Lydia’s room is on the east corner of our house, with two large windows facing the east. The morning sunrise shines brightly through the windows, light filling the space. Everything in her room is in order. Her clothes are washed, folded, and put away with a few dresses hanging in the closet. Her diaper changing pad sits on an old, hand-me-down dresser, big enough to store all of her diaper and sanitary needs. Her various blankets are folded and hung from a wooden ladder. Her books and a few toys are organized neatly in a crate on the floor. A white wall clock ticks as time passes, every second marking one second closer to her birthday. Decorations are set, custom designed with her name on them and Bible verses that already ring true in her life. I sit in our new rocking chair, swollen feet propped up on the ottoman, computer on my lap with my hands laid gently to the side of my 38 centimeter belly, watching my daughter’s movements as I type.

As my motherly instincts set in, I find an inner desire to bring her home to a clean, organized and prepared space. Like a mother bird building her nest, our little nest for Lydia is finally complete. As we put together the finishing touches for her nursery this weekend, I was reminded of Jesus’ words that He shared with His disciples during the Last Supper.

“Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in Me. In my Father’s house are many rooms. If it were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to Myself, that where I am you may be also.” (John 14:1-3)

 

L E T . N O T .

In this simple passage, Jesus acknowledges our anxiety about that which is uncertain. In the context, Jesus had just finished prophesying Peter’s denial, and He was letting His close friends know that He was leaving them. Why? Because He had to die on a Cross in order to fulfill God’s great plan for the redemption of humanity. Yet we can hear these words, let not your hearts be troubled, and we can apply them to that which is uncertain in our own lives.

What day will I go into labor?
Will I be ready?
Will she be healthy?
What will life be like on the other side of her birth?

 

B E L I E V E .

Jesus’ response to why we should not be troubled? Because we have the incredible opportunity to believe in the promises of God fulfilled in the person of Jesus. These promises proclaim that He is sovereign over our circumstances, doubts, and fears because He goes before all things (Colossians 1:17). To my uncertainties, I need only to choose belief, and He grants me peace in the midst of the unknown.

He knows the day.
He has prepared me.
Her life is in His hands.
God will be with me on the other side of her birth.

 

A . P L A C E . F O R . Y O U .

Jesus says that He goes ahead of us to prepare a place for each of us. He says there are many rooms in His Father’s house, and one of those rooms seems to be set aside for each of His children. In this promise, I now think of Lydia Evelyn’s room.

As we prepare a place for her in our house
before her arrival,
Jesus has given me the perfect picture of the way
He is preparing a place for us in Heaven
before our arrival.

I imagine the joy that we will have when we bring Lydia home for the first time. One of the first things I’ll do is bring her into her room to show her all the preparations we’ve made for her. I’ll show her the closet and all her adorable clothes that her friends and family have purchased for her. I’ll show her the dresser, reassuring her that her needs will be cared for. I might let her feel her soft blankets, and tell her of the ones made by and in honor of her great grandmothers. I’ll show her some of her books and her toys. I’ll glance at the clock, which will remind me that the waiting is over, and I’ll tell her how happy I am to have her home. I’ll read her aloud the Scripture that hangs over her crib and tell her about Jesus. And then, soon enough, I’ll sit with her in my rocking chair, feet propped up on the ottoman, to spend intimate time feeding her and holding her.

Is this the way that God, our Father, waits to be fully united with us in heaven?
Is this the kind of joy that He experiences after our long awaited arrival?
Will we get to heaven, greeted by our Father, and He’ll immediately show us with eager excitement this place that He has prepared for us?

 

W H E R E . I . A M .

Jesus reassures His disciples that He will be coming back, even after death. He will rise from the dead.
Why?
To take us to Himself, so that where He is, we may be also (John 14:3).
He knows that in the deepest longing of our hearts, we need nothing more than to be with Him.

Why does God love us so much? Why does He want us to be with Him intimately? Are we not imperfect people that constantly fall short of His holiness?

With renewed perspective on my first Mother’s Day, I think about all we’ve done to prepare for Lydia. What has she done for me? Absolutely nothing. (In fact, made my life a little less convenient these last nine months!) However, I don’t love her because of what she’s done. She’s done nothing to earn our countless hours spent preparing a place for her. I love her because of who she is.

Because she is my daughter,
I long to meet her
to spend time with her in our home.
Because she is my daughter,
I prepare a place for her.

.

God loves you, did you know that? And it’s not because of what you’ve done or what you haven’t done or what you deserve. He loves you because you are His son or His daughter. He is preparing a place for me and for you. What other response do we have, but to believe?

“I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you. Yet a little while and world will see Me no more, but you will see Me. Because I live, you also will live.” (John 14:18-18)