adrian’s birth story

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“I am the light of the world. Anyone who follows me will never walk in darkness but will have the light of life.” – John 8:12

Adrian Ray Tietz was born on Tuesday, March 26, 2024, at 3:33pm. He weighed 9lbs and 9oz and measured 21 inches. This is Adrian’s birth story.

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23 Weeks Pregnant

I start Adrian’s birth story here, not long after I left off part 1 of pregnancy in my blog post Naming Adrian Ray. It was mid-December and life was busy. Our 20-week sonogram revealed Adrian to be in the 99th-percentile for his size. In addition to my body adjusting to carrying him, I was planning and throwing work holiday parties, two kid’s birthday parties, preparing for Christmas, and fending off winter sickness. During my daughter Eliza’s 4th birthday party, I had pushed my body so hard that I could not even walk. I was paralyzed from pain in my SI joint, having to ask other parents to serve cake because I could quite literally barely move.

This was a turning point for me because I knew I had done this to myself. My pride said I was pushing hard for other people and good things, but now my relentless push was impacting not just me, but those around me, and my ability to enjoy pregnancy. On top of the pain, I still had 4 more months of pregnancy to go, and Adrian would only grow bigger.

I scheduled a massage for the next week, on my 33rd birthday. During this massage, the massage therapist told me I had the worst knot on the left glute muscle he had ever seen. So much of my pain was related to tightness and imbalances as I carried Adrian. I was prescribed epsom salt baths, foam rolling, massaging, and regular stretching.

As the massage therapist left the room, I took a few moments of silence to myself in prayer. Tears streamed from my face, right there on the bed, as I made a promise to Adrian that I would take better care of myself. Not for me, but for him, and for my family. No more excuses. I needed God’s help to create major habit changes.

Adrian’s pregnancy showed me more fully how to surrender control to God, listen to my body, and take care of myself in motherhood.

From that point on I started daily exercise, massage, heat, and stretching. I joined a female-only gym that offered weightlifting and boot camp style workouts. I remember my first workout at Blush, I couldn’t run, and regularly had to stop my work out because Braxton Hicks contractions were so bad at any bit of abdomen engagement (though I was only 26 weeks pregnant). But every day, I spent 1-2 hours developing these healthy habits and routines. 

As Adrian became bigger, my body was getting stronger. Within 3 weeks I started noticing a difference in pain management, and within 6 weeks I was pain free. 

Instead of surviving my third trimester of pregnancy – one that will most likely be my last – I was able to enjoy the season. I had more energy for motherhood, marriage, and work. I was able to focus not on physical pain but on the joy of the life that was being knitted in my womb. 

36 Weeks Pregnant

Around 36.5 weeks, I was checked for dilation and learned that I was already dilated to 5cm and Adrian was head down. Adrian continued to measure in the 97th-percentile for his size though my fluid levels had stabilized. Kevin and I decided that we would take the next week to make all our final preparations in the house.

The following week was a whirlwind! On March 1, we switched CJ to a big boy bed and all three kids were sleeping in the same room. We moved furniture around to get the nursery ready for Adrian’s arrival, we unpacked baby clothes, purchased the last of our baby gear, and packed our hospital bags. On top of that, we had three unplanned plumbing “emergencies” hit our home from leaking water to backups that translated to two visits from the plumber and Kevin installing a new toilet in one bathroom and a new floor in another bathroom.

37 Weeks Pregnant

We had made it another week, but we were exhausted from house renovations and our to-do list and ready to slow down. We went into our appointment on a Monday, and Kevin had lasik surgery scheduled for the next day. To our surprise, we found out at this appointment (around 37.5 weeks pregnant) that my body had progressed to dilation of 6-7cm. 

I was in complete shock. My doctor joked with me, only 3 centimeters left to go! Do you want to have a baby today? As I processed the initial news, we talked through with my doctor the risks versus benefits of waiting for my body to start labor naturally. 

Benefits: Full-term is 39 weeks, and there are some developmental positives for baby if you can make it to this milestone. 

Risks: If my water breaks at home, between shuffling three kids around and anticipating a fast labor, will we make it to the hospital in time? 

I am so grateful for my doctor and how we thought through all these things. She said she supported the decision we felt was best for the next week if we chose an induction. Her only preference was that we don’t go past our due date because of his size. 

38 Weeks Pregnant

Kevin has a successful lasik surgery and we both wrapped up work and continued to process an upcoming decision. In the meantime, we had the great privilege of attending a funeral for a dear friend’s father. We started our final weekend before Adrian’s arrival with a sobering reminder that life is precious. We cleared our schedule for the weekend and took time to rest as a family of five. 

By Sunday morning, after a night of sporadic contractions, I felt as though Adrian’s head was engaged. I was having more contractions day and night but still nothing consistent enough to go in. Kevin and I were looking forward to going to church and worshiping together for what we felt peace would be our last church service before an induction.

During church service on Sunday, March 24, Kevin received a text message with devastating news. Another close friend’s son had passed away. Kevin and I both received prayer at church from our Prayer Team and wept. How could we process such heavy news in the same 48 hours that we would be meeting our very own son? 

And yet, those 48 hours were a gift. We held our own three babies close. We prayed. We processed with community. We took comfort in the good news of the gospel. 

From life’s first cry, to final breath, Jesus commands my destiny. 

There is much more to say about this moment but truly we are still processing the news. However, we know that God’s timing was not accidental. Adrian Ray’s name means wealth of light. Even in the darkness, God provides a ray of light, and the darkness cannot overcome it.

We had made it another week with my body ready to have a baby, nearly to that 39-week mark. The Lord gave us peace that it was time. I sent my doctor a portal message that we would like to be admitted for delivery instead of attending our 38.5 week appointment. 

ADRIAN’S BIRTHDAY

Tuesday, March 26

6:30am

I woke up early and got in the shower, praying for the day. I was awaiting a call back from my doctor that morning with what time we should come in, if we should wait until our scheduled appointment time that afternoon, or head straight in to the Labor and Delivery.

7:30am

My doctor called and said to head straight to the hospital when we were ready, the Family Birthing Center at Lawrence Memorial Hospital was ready for us, and she wished me luck! I got off the phone and immediately got to share the news with our early riser and oldest child, Lydia. Adrian was coming today! We danced and shared the news with Kevin and Eliza as they were waking up. 

Lydia wrote down a prayer for the day, one that I will treasure forever. I kept it with me for the hospital stay. In her sweet Kindergarten handwriting, it read, “Lord I feel excited. Please help me to be a big sister for the 3rd time.” I had my usual morning cuddles with Eliza, and we played and sang “sitting on Adrian” for the last time. CJ was the last to wake up. He came out of the room in a moment when the girls happened to follow Kevin downstairs. He sprinted down the long hallway and straight into my arms, and I held him tight. These were my first tears of the day, holding my eldest son. The last day that he would be my littlest baby. What a sweet season it’s been having CJ as the baby. 

8:30am

I took Lydia to school blasting “Happy Day” and dancing in the car with the kids, then dropped Eliza, CJ, and suitcases off at my parents’ house. Kevin took our dog to my sister’s house and we agreed to meet back at home. We finished getting ready, packing up our things, and putting some finishing touches on the house. Finally, it was time to go to the hospital!

10:00am

When we arrived at the hospital, I quickly learned that I had been the fascination of the nurses and providers there since they heard the news that I was coming in. Who is this girl that has been walking around at 7cm for a week!? We were greeted with lots of smiles and laughter. They couldn’t believe I was carrying my own bags. (Little did they know that after finding out I was a 7cm, I had still finished my last workout at Blush Boot Camp a few days later, and even ran sprints while dilated at a 7cm, just to say I had!) I was very confident that my body was ready for labor, I just knew we’d need help getting it started!

We prayed over our room and over the day, and as my sister Rosie arrived, we processed our decision to be there. This was my fourth induction. The first one, Lydia, was not my choice, but her heart rate showed potential distress at my 39-week appointment, and I was admitted right away for an induction. For Eliza and CJ, both were elective inductions at 39.5 weeks, which felt more “desperate” than this one. I had been in so much pain and discomfort in my previous pregnancies, but in my final days of my pregnancy with Adrian, I felt physically better than I had at 24-weeks pregnant. What if something doesn’t go well or he’s not healthy, will we regret having an induction at 38.5 weeks? This was good to name, but we quickly spoke what was true. We knew my body was ready, and we knew Adrian was ready. We all made bets on how big he would be! 

11:10am

The doctor on call came in and checked for dilation and confirmed I was at 7cm. She gave the all clear to break my water and ordered 2 units of Pitocin to help my contractions become more regular.

We then spent the next hour or so trying to get my IV in place. It’s actually a bit of tradition that I have a vein blown, apparently, I have thick veins. After two failed attempts and a blown vein, the nurse director came in and decided to call IV Therapy from a different wing of the hospital to come in and place two IVs. They wanted a back up placed because I was at a higher risk of hemorrhaging because it’s my fourth delivery. Luckily, the professional knew what he was doing, and IVs were placed. 

12:30pm

Dr. Underwood returned to break my water and ordered our nurse, Abby, to start the Pitocin. Labor had officially started! We relaxed and decided to walk the hallways as we caught up with Rosie. 

1:15pm

Pitocin was increased 2 units about every 45 minutes. Shortly after the first bump up, I felt my hormones shifting. I felt chills and my first contraction. But Kevin, Rosie and I were still very relaxed, chatting, and enjoying one another’s company. Pitocin was again increased to 6 units to help speed up contractions.

2:15pm

Around 2:15pm, I remember wondering when things would pick up. I looked at the clock and thought about how Eliza would get out of school at 3pm and Lydia at 3:50pm. I thought a lot about my other children during this hour as I had my first stronger contraction, one that I had to stop talking to focus and breathe through. Shortly after we started playing worship music in the room, the song It is Well came on, which reminded me of our angel baby, Micah, my third pregnancy that ended too soon. I felt the spirit of Micah with me even in this moment.

3:00pm

While I knew things were picking up, our nurse still increased Pitocin up to 8 units. I was feeling pressure on my back, so our nurse suggested being in a position that could help turn Adrian’s head in case the pressure in my back was related to him being sunny side up. With worship music playing loud, I labored bent over an elevated bed with my arms folded over the bed, swaying my hips with every contraction. When this position became uncomfortable, we moved the bed so that I could put my knees on the firm mattress and grasp the bed rails with my arms.

Every time a contraction came, I would straighten my back, hold the rails on each side of the bed, and breathe through the contraction. From this moment Kevin and Rosie didn’t leave my side. The phrase that Kevin and I repeated together through the pain was “It is Good.” This was our true statement. Pain, in this case, was not bad. Pain was good. Pain increasing meant we were closer to meeting Adrian. 

3:14pm

Things were progressing quickly, and Kevin was adamant that I got checked again. Our nurse checked and I was up to a 9cm. She let our doctor know to be ready. 

3:29pm

Within a few contractions, I was feeling the urge to push, and my doctor was waiting outside the door. We moved me into position.

While everyone came in the room and was ready for delivery, I had what felt like a moment that stood still.

I had relief between contractions.
I felt almost nothing except a calm and strong body.
As we waited for the next contraction to come, the whole room was in silence.

I closed my eyes and prayed.
I thanked God for the ability to be in that moment. I took in my whole body, what would be the final moment of this pregnancy, and likely pregnancy forever.

Peace washed over me.

3:33pm

I announced that a contraction was coming. My doctor gave reminders on how to push and told me when it was time. With one contraction and two pushes, Adrian was here.

My eyes were closed when I heard Kevin’s voice in my ears, weeping through tears: He’s here.

Adrian was wide awake, crying, screaming, and breathing.

I held him close on my skin and didn’t let go. 

333

Adrian was born in LMH Room 333 at 3:33pm and weighed 9lbs and 9oz. All these numbers seemed far from a coincidence, especially given the symbolism of the number three during the same week we celebrate Easter.

The number three in the Bible represents the number of completion or wholeness. In the same way, Adrian has completed our family. In Scripture, words and phrases repeated 3 times are often important and carry significant spiritual meaning. We had three 3’s and multiples of 3’s, three times. Not to mention on Easter, we celebrate that after three days, Jesus was raised to life.

Already, Adrian has brought a wealth of light to our life and the lives of others. Our nurse at LMH had a few nursing students shadowing her that day who witnessed Adrian’s birth. I was told later by Rosie that each of the students in the room were taking in the worship music and crying as Adrian was born. Afterwards, they asked to hear more about the birth from my experience and leaned in as I opened up. I pray that God uses that moment as a witness and testament to His name in each of their lives. It was His strength that overwhelmed me throughout my pregnancy and during labor.

After our three children and local grandparents visited the hospital, we prepared for our first night of rest. It was in that moment, gazing at Adrian in the bassinet, that I had my second cry of the day. The shock and adrenaline had come down.

Kevin held me close as we took him in and I wept. He’s here.

We were home in time to celebrate Easter. To celebrate our Risen Lord, the Light of the world, who defeated death and darkness once and for all. The tomb is empty and the throne is occupied. Because He is risen, the light of life is given to those who follow Him.

As John 8:12 hangs on the wall above his crib and is repeated over him every night, may Adrian Ray remind us that God provides a wealth of light in every season.

parenting with relationships in mind.

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“It’s the battle I choose to fight.”

A friend and I were discussing mealtime behaviors with our children recently. She shared how her kids sit at the table for long, extended times, slowly working their way through every item of food set before them. It’s a high priority for this friend of mine that her children eat nutritious meals, and she’s trained them well. Before a few months ago, let’s just say there was a lot of room for improvement at mealtime in the Tietz’s household. Getting our children to sit longer than a few minutes and eat the food in front of them without complaining felt an impossible task, not to mention respecting prayer time before meals, not saying potty words at the table, picking fights with one another–the list goes on.

We wanted mealtime to look different. We spent the season of Advent choosing to fight the mealtime-behavior battle to teach our kids how to sit still and act respectfully from prayer through happy plate. We are far from perfection, but we’ve made a lot of improvement. I tell this story not to highlight mealtime, but the why behind this change. Turns out, it’s not just so they eat more vegetables or obey the rules.

We have a different motivation. When we made this decision, we had relationships in mind.

THE WHY.

We want to raise children who freely choose to love God and love each other.

We desire mealtime to be a place not just where we come to eat but where we come to be together. We desire mealtime to be a place where, at least once a day, we sit and pray together as a family. We thank God for “the food before us, the family and friends beside us, and the love between us.” We acknowledge that it is God alone who is the source of this great provision we have. As we share a meal together, we check in on each other’s days, how one another is doing, and enjoy one another’s company.

As we set these new standards for mealtime, there is one important distinction that I am making for myself: the goal is not obedience. The goal is relationship. Kevin and I desire to cultivate deep relationships with our children and help them have deep relationships with one another (their siblings).

As I prepare to make the transition into having four children, I admit that I often spiral into survival mode and parent from a place of exhaustion. If only my children obeyed, then I wouldn’t feel so overwhelmed! Life would be easier! How dare they do not obey. They should know better! After everything I do for them! However, this only leads to parenting out of a place of bitterness, entitlement, and anger – barking commands at my children that bear no fruit.

The Holy Spirit convicted me recently that rules for the sake of obedience is not the way I want to operate. I want to parent differently. I want to parent with the why in mind.

Parenting with the why in mind will lead to another question: what are the battles I choose to fight? We can’t fight them all as parents and keep our sanity. How do we choose? The most important battles to me, though I hadn’t put these words to it yet until recently, are their treatment of one another and of their mom and dad. 

So while I fight those battles of sibling rivalry and respect, I want to make sure they understand the vision and not just the command.

For example, as my daughters hit and claw at one another over a disagreement, I don’t simply what to say, “do this” or “stop that.” Yes, that is important, especially in the early years. But as they get older, I want to give them a vision of something greater. I want them to desire a restored relationship with one another. I want them to learn kindness, genuine forgiveness, and working through conflict. I want to them to not just listen to mom, but to have a genuine friendship with one another. I want them to take ownership of their own relationships.

My children having healthy relationships with mom and dad and with each other will dictate the battles I choose to fight, and how I fight them. This will trickle into other areas—like honoring mealtime and family time, for example. With the end in mind, my hopes are that one day, they will become adults with healthy, independent relationships with their parents and with one another, healthy marriages and/or friendships, and that they might have the tools to freely choose a relationship with their Heavenly Father.

DIFFERENT CHILDREN. SAME WHY.

With four children, not to mention two girls and two boys, each child will need to be parented differently. But for each child, the why will be the same.

For Lydia, my strong-willed, justice-oriented first born – she needs to learn how to extend grace both to others and to herself. More than anything, she hates failure and desires perfection. She is high achieving and holds others to the same standard she holds herself. (Some days it’s like looking in a mirror – now I feel like I am talking about myself!) She is also highly motivated to obey when she sees a reward for herself on the other side.

As I parent Lydia, I need to not manipulate her behavior by only using rewards-based parenting. I need to help her to see her behavior through a lens of empathy and compassion for others. She needs help to persevere in the face of failure. As a practical thinker and a verbal processor, we need to give her space to understand and process the “why.” She needs encouragement and praise as she restores relationships and places others first. She needs physical outlets to release aggressive energy, which will help her with empathy and reason. She will need to face failure and imperfection to realize her need for and dependency on God.

For Eliza, my free-spirited, affectionate, “closet”-perfectionist – she isn’t going to demand answers. She could cuddle her mom or dad all day and all night if that were possible. She seems to be enjoying a game or activity freely with no spoken anxiety, and then at the last moment realizes failure and explodes on anyone around her, refusing to ever engage in the task again. She could hide from negative emotions and feelings, living in her own pretend world all day, singing songs, and making jokes, if we let her. She is not motivated by tasks but motivated by affection and positive experiences. 

As I parent Eliza, she needs more of my quiet presence and reassurance that she is loved exactly as God made her. I will have to fight harder to create opportunities to show her the “why” and pray for opportunities for her heart to be open. She needs to be asked key questions that will help her process failure, motivations, and the hard realities of life that she will naturally hide from. She needs to be built up in her unique gifts without comparison to her sister. She needs space to express her creativity and know that we see her, and we are proud of her. 

For Caleb, I am still getting to know my precious son. Outside of teaching him basic rules of life and boundaries, specifically for his own safety, I have gotten glimpses of who he might be. Like his dad, he loves to play, read, and learn. And at age 2, I’m starting to see gifts of empathy and mercy come out of him. Here’s a recent example:

A few weeks ago in the midst of a snowy driveway, I was trying to load him in the car, and he was running inside in laughing disobedience. “CJ, no!” I said sternly. “Come back, time to get in the car!” As he was laughing and headed for the basement, I began to chase after him and my wet boots slipped on our entryway tile and I – third trimester pregnant and all – wiped out on the floor. Anyone who has ever fallen while pregnant knows that it not only hurts, but it’s just terrifying. As I laid on the floor fighting back tears, Caleb’s entire demeaner changed. My 25-month-old son turned around and walked to me slowly, bent down and put his face next to mine. With tender hazel eyes and a sweet voice, he said, “OK, mommy? OK?” I took a deep breath, pushed my way up, received his hug, and responded, gently asking him to get in the car. That boy turned right around and walked to the car and climbed in his car seat by himself. That was the first time I realized he has more of his dad in him than just hazel eyes.

Lord as I get to know Caleb more in the coming years, please show me what he needs. I also thank you for a Christ-loving husband who will understand how to talk to him as a boy and as a man, and how to cast vision to him to honor is mom and his sisters and to honor the Lord. Our world needs strong men who love Jesus and lead their families. Lord may Caleb learn how to walk with you by watching his dad as an example. Give him the courage and strength to strive for that in his own life!

I pray similar prayers for Adrian, my second son that we have not yet met, due in just six weeks. All I know about him now is he is big, and he is active! He is constantly drawing my attention to him with his long limbs and frequent movements. He’s been my most active pregnancy yet and I’m receiving extra monitoring and sonograms because of his size! I don’t yet know what he will need, but one thing I know for sure is that it will be different than his sisters and different than his brother.

All four of my children will need different things from Kevin and me, but we have the same goal for each: that they would freely choose to love God and love each other. While this decision to follow God will be their own choice, we hope to set them up for this by fostering trusted, healthy relationships with their parents and their siblings – not because we gave them what they wanted at every demand – but because among hard decisions and hard discipline, we had a consistent “why” that could be repeated. The bottom line: we put relationships first.

In as much as we can control, we desire a relationship with each child that is not one of co-dependence, but of independence, that sets them up to know Jesus for themselves and not just through their parents’ faith. I echo the words of Andy Stanley in his book Parenting: Getting It Right that the end goal is emotionally healthy, relationally successful adults, equipped to handle on their own the difficulties and blessings of life. 

The battles I will choose to fight are their relationships – with mom, dad, siblings – in a way that teaches them how to manage future relationships outside of their family – and ultimately as they come of age, their relationships with Jesus. May decisions to discipline, correct, show grace, and how I speak have these relationships in mind.

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Lord, help me to change the way I parent my children. Not to achieve anything but in a genuine effort to have a “why” as the driving force of my every interaction with my children – especially as they get older. Lord as I reflect on each child, I pray that you would guide me into a place of listening and discernment for what each child needs. That I will parent my four children each differently but with the same “why.” The same “it.” I don’t simply desire obedient and high achieving children – I desire children who know they are loved, can love others, and – ultimately – come to know, love, trust, and follow You. Help me parent from this place and with this goal in mind. Lord, please guide Kevin and me to parent in unity. I surrender expectations and daily failures to you. May I seek their forgiveness and seek to restore the relationship when I do wrong. May Kevin and I model a healthy relationship in our own marriage and in the way we follow You. These children are yours. Thank you for the gifts that they are to me. Please lead me. 

naming adrian ray.

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Jesus spoke to them again: “I am the light of the world. Anyone who follows me will never walk in darkness but will have the light of life.” –John 8:12

In the beginning, the earth was formless and empty, and darkness covered the surface of the watery depths. The Spirit of God was covering over the waters. Then God said, “Let there be light,” and there was light. God separated the light from the darkness (Genesis 1:1-4).

All things were created through Christ. In Him was life, and that life was the light of men. That light shines in the darkness, and yet the darkness cannot overcome it (John 1:3-5).

Even through sin, brokenness, and ever-present darkness, God would send His own Son to redeem the world and restore us into right relationship with Him. He is the light of the world. He is our hope and our salvation. Our wise counselor. Through Him, we have a wealth of light.

Adrian Ray means wealth of light and rich in wise counsel. The beginning of Adrian’s story starts this way.

B R A N C H E S . & . B U T T E R F L I E S .

For the first 18 months of Caleb’s life, Kevin and I were hurdling from one transition to the next (adjusting to becoming a family of five, two job changes, and two school changes, to name a few). As I dreamed about having a fourth child, the desire was there, deep down in the depth of my soul, but it was covered up with fear, practical logistics, and the straight up chaos of surviving our normal life. 

On June 7, 2023, I set out to the patio of a local coffee shop spend extended time in solitude and in the presence of the Lord. I journaled, listened, read Scripture, and reflected. After a walk around the neighborhood, I came back to the same patio and looked out at the trees with my palms up. Lord, if there is anything you’d like to say to me, I am ready to receive it.

I felt my attention drawn to a particular tree with three large branches coming up from a strong center root. In asking the Lord if there was anything He would like to show me from this tree, my three children came to mind. I made a joke with God as I prayed, is this you confirming that three children are what you’ve called us to? If so Lord, please, give me peace.

I stared out at this tree and its branches for many moments longer. Several minutes passed before I realized – there was a fourth branch connected to the trunk. I started sketching the tree in my journal with a wide trunk and four branches. So much for the confirmation of three children, but could this be a sign to pray into a fourth? In that moment, I started writing down every fear I had about trusting God with having another child. From pregnancy fears to financial, logistical fears to the deeper fears of insecurity and inadequacy. I hit the core of my hesitation. Lord, I already feel like I constantly fail my three children. If we have one more, will I have the capacity to give my children what they need? Would another sibling be for their good? Will I be enough? 

I looked back up at the tree. At this point I’m not sure how much time had passed, maybe 30 or 45 minutes. There had previously been no wildlife and minimal distractions. But in that exact moment after confessing my fears, three butterflies, each of different sizes and colors, gracefully flew almost exactly in front of the three primary branches. I felt the Lord whisper over me about my three children: In the coming of the fourth, they will soar. I will raise them up. I will protect them. I know what they need. Trust me.

From that moment on, after 1.5 years of wavering on the decision, I felt a peace to grow our family again and never looked back. The following week, Kevin and I had the gift of going on our 10-year wedding anniversary trip and spending several days alone praying through and processing this decision.

About 7 weeks later, a positive pregnancy test confirmed God’s perfect timing.

T H E . R E V E A L .

In a classic fifth pregnancy moment, I took a test after my brand-new, high-waisted summer shorts felt tight at the button. Kevin and I rejoiced at the excitement but kept the secret for a few days before sharing the news with our children. On a summer morning after a busy weekend, we told them that we had a surprise to share at breakfast. We made them wait an “unbearable” 30 minutes of anticipation while making muffins. As we all five sat down at the dining room table to eat, we shared our news.

Lydia (age 5) had an instant reaction of excitement. She’d been asking me when I’m going to have another baby for quite some time. She’s old enough to take in the news and completely understand the joy. For Eliza (age 3.5) it took her a moment to process at first. She listened intently to our interactions with Lydia and then it started to click. She was going to be a big sister, again! She joined in the cheering and the celebrating! CJ (age 1.5) was busy eating his muffin and wondering what all the commotion was about. It was a joyous moment!

In the weeks that followed I was often asked what I thought our baby was gender wise, or what I wanted. I loved the idea of another little girl, truly. I have adored being a girl mom and raising daughters. I also thought of my own family, three girls and one boy. We had planned to wait and find out at 20 weeks and do a fun “opening present” gender reveal with our kids. Kevin and Lydia were convinced it was a boy from the beginning, but for me it wasn’t until a friend of mine had a dream that we were having a boy, ironically “pulling something blue out of a box” during a gender reveal, that I pondered the reality of a boy in my heart.

Kevin and I started discussing names and when the name “Adrian” was said out loud, it sat differently in my heart. I remember that moment as the moment that the baby inside of me felt real for the first time – his own person, with his own name and his own soul.

Shortly after, I had a dream that we gave birth to a son and named him Adrian. If you’ve followed my journey at all you know that I’ve had gender dreams for 4 of my 5 pregnancies (Eliza, Micah, Caleb, and Adrian.) While with Micah, we will find out when we meet her in heaven, I was 2 for 2 with gender dreams for Eliza and CJ. The Lord at times speaks to me through visions and dreams, but I always remain open handed. Looking back though, it’s been a sweet part of my children’s stories to include these details. I also feel so known, loved, seen, and confirmed in my faith when these dreams and visions from God do come true. 

At about 15 weeks pregnant, I got a message in a moms group that a pregnancy crisis center in town, Insight, needed some help. They had just purchased a new sonogram machine and needed women between 5-20 weeks pregnant to volunteer as models as they trained their techs in the new machine. While I didn’t expect to find out the gender early, I also was open if we’d get a clear shot of it. Either way it was a chance to help a ministry and non-profit organization we love. 

During the sonogram, I closed my eyes for the gender scan. Immediately I heard a burst of laughter from the tech and others in training. “Yep,” she said. “We got a clear shot of the gender. Want us to print it out?” Of course, I did! They placed it in a sealed envelope for me to take home. While I didn’t want to assume that the laughter and clear shot was a boy, let’s be real, I was more likely to find out early with a boy!

That night at about 10pm on an evening in mid-October, after we had finally ended our day, Kevin and I opened the envelope.

A boy. He’s a boy. We’re having another son!

T H E . N A M I N G .

Two girls. Two boys. While it’s what I “wanted” the reality of it only seemed to be a part of my wildest dreams. Having two girls at the top – never did I imagine what it would be like to raise brothers on the bottom! I had similar feelings to when I found out my second child was a girl. How can I love another son as much as I love CJ?  And yet I know, this time from experience, that the Lord will grow that space for me. Our family truly couldn’t be more thrilled!

In the weeks that followed we prayed that God would reveal his name. It became clearer to me as I looked at our name list that this boy’s name indeed was Adrian, just like God had given to me in my dream.

Another name at the top of our list was “Raymond” after Kevin’s grandfather. We considered both Raymond and Ray as a tribute to a beloved family member. 

Kevin and I hold the personal conviction that names carry with them meaning and significance. While Raymond means “wise counsel” by itself, “Ray” can either refer to this same meaning, wise counsel, or also be taken literally “ray” as a word from the dictionary: a thin line or narrow beam of light or other radiation. 

The name “Adrian” means “rich or wealth.” When you put together Adrian Ray, the meaning becomes “rich in wise counsel” or “wealth of light.”

As with our other children, Lydia Evelyn, Eliza Rose, Micah, and Caleb Jordan, we’ve often had their names confirmed through a passage of Scripture. In the naming, we have selected a Bible verse for each of our children that hangs above their beds and is repeated to them every night before they go to sleep.

As Kevin and I sat down to pray into Adrian Ray, we were brought to John 8:12. 

“I am the light of the world. Anyone who follows me will never walk in darkness but will have the light of life.” – John 8:12

As we follow Jesus, we walk in an abundance of wise counsel. Wise counsel is found in the light. And the light of the world is Jesus. Just like a ray of light pierces through the darkness, we see Jesus as our hope in every season.

Adrian Ray will serve as a reminder of this wealth of light and richness in wise counsel that is found as we follow and walk with Jesus.

2 0 . W E E K S .

Finally, we are halfway through this pregnancy! Since finding out the gender early, we wanted to wait until it was confirmed at our 20-week sonogram to announce his name and confirm that yes, he is indeed a boy. Kevin and I had a wonderful sonogram seeing Adrian move around on the screen. We got a beautiful shot of him on his side, looking directly out at us. His long arms and legs stretched out wide. He measured in the 98% (!!) percentile, and my fluid levels were high, so we will do some additional monitoring in the months to come. Other than that, his organs and his development looked beautiful. We are blessed! We get to spend the week of Thanksgiving in thanksgiving, sharing his name and celebrating with friends and family.

Adrian’s due date is April 5, which is the week of Easter. My body is already feeling it carrying this big boy, and we still have a long way to go! Another 20 weeks will take us through all of December and the Christmas season, into the winter months of January and February, and finally, we will experience our own March Madness as we gear up for Adrian’s arrival. Four more months.

Adrian Ray, our prayer for you is that the light of Jesus shines brightly inside of you. As you follow Him and place your trust in Him, we pray that you would never walk in darkness, but that you would have the light of life. That He would be your abundant wise counsel, and that He would use you and these gifts He’s given you to bring Him glory.

We can’t wait to meet you, Adrian Ray. 

10 years + forever.

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This summer, Kevin and I will celebrate ten years of marriage.

After dating/engagement for almost four years, we got married on July 5, 2013, in a grassy field in the middle of a park in downtown Lawrence, Kan. We made a commitment to love one another, to choose one another – in sickness and in health – for richer and for poorer – until death do us part. Ten wonderful years we’ve had in the covenant of marriage, and truly, I treasure every second of it.

Our first five years before having children were dedicated to pursuing a call to ministry through the mission of Young Life. I’ll never forget the day that Kevin and I were on a bike ride “date” from our rental house on Tennessee Street to that same park at which we said our vows. After talking about the potential of grad school and moving away for several years of dating and early marriage, I challenged Kevin to truly lead me, to lead our marriage, and decide if we would stay in Lawrence or move away. He rose to the challenge and boldly told me the Lord was calling us to stay. I rode my bike the entire way home in silence, angry at God and at Kevin. I didn’t understand what was next for us here in Lawrence. 

It was only a few months later that the Lord made it clear why He called us to stay. He provided an opportunity for Kevin to come on full-time Young Life staff as the KU Young Life College director in 2015. We got a dog, found Free City Church, bought a house, and made Lawrence our home.

In this next season with Kevin on staff, we had all three of our children – Lydia in 2018, Eliza in 2019, and Caleb in 2021. While my role within Young Life shifted between volunteer to part-time staff back to volunteer, our primary family mission remained the same: to share Jesus with college students and help them grow in their faith. We spent many summers and weekends with our growing family at Young Life camp. We spent countless hours on KU’s campus at Young Life Club, leading small groups, and meeting with students in coffee shops. We’ve met and had the opportunity to get to know so many incredible people through this ministry from all over the country. Many of our best friends we met through this ministry. We’ve been ministered to and ministered through the mission of Young Life on staff or as volunteers for all 14 of our years following Jesus together. 

It is with this beginning that Kevin and I share that our chapter on Young Life staff has formally come to close.

Leaving Young Life staff was an emotional decision for us, and one that we have spent many hours talking over together, in community, and with the Lord discerning next steps. I have wrestled much with God as I process through the callings He has for us, and the purpose He has for Kevin, who is truly the most gifted minister I know. What we’ve heard from God over again is that a change in his job is not a change in his calling. For the gifts and calling of Christ are irrevocable (Romans 11:29). 

Rather than a calling away from ministry, God is calling my husband—both of us—to ministry in different spaces and in different ways. Last August, the Lord led me first to step away from Young Life and on staff in the role of KIDS and Communication Director at Free City Church. He has affirmed this calling as the exact fit for me and for our family in this season of our lives. As we waited and continued to listen for Kevin’s next steps, our biggest prayer was that it would be a job that served people in the local Lawrence community, provided a work-life balance that would allow him to be present at home and in church ministry, and would financially provide for our family of five. 

This prayer, the Lord answered, far beyond our expectations. We are excited to announce that Kevin has accepted a role as an Associate Financial Advisor with Edmonds Duncan Registered Investment Advisors. With their office located in downtown Lawrence, Edmonds Duncan helps individuals in our local community achieve financial objectives with confidence and personal service. We are so grateful, and I can’t wait to see Kevin take on a new challenge and a new adventure!

This has truly been a season of transition in many areas. As we cross over our 10-year wedding anniversary in a few weeks, Kevin will start his new job and our oldest daughter Lydia will prepare to start Kindergarten. Our church is going through a transition as well, having launched out a new church in Topeka, Kan., sending out many of our dearest friends, and I step into a deeper role on church staff here in Lawrence.

When it seems that I am facing change all around me, it’s the Word of God that brings me great comfort and peace:

“But everything that was a gain to me, I have considered to be a loss because of Christ. More than that, I also consider everything to be a loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord.”
-Philippians 3:7-8

Young Life staff has been an identity marker for us. I have been proud of our role and the way Kevin has served the Lord faithfully as the KU College Director. I have loved this season of having and raising little children. I have so many fears as I look ahead to the next chapter: having school-aged children, Kevin transitioning out of ministry, and our community here in Lawrence shifting. This verse from Philippians reminds me that any circumstances I could control or chose for myself, I count as “loss” when compared to the incomprehensible value of knowing and following Christ.

When my foundation is Him, though the rains will fall, and the floods will rise, I will not collapse, because my peace and joy is built on the Rock (Matthew 7:24-25). 

The intimacy I experience with Christ through obedience and faith is far more fulfilling than any other life I could make up for myself. For me, to live is Christ (Phil 1:21). 

In the midst of change –
here’s to 10 years of marriage,
to the next 10 years,
and
Lord willing,
the next 20, 30, 40, and 50 years.

Our circumstances,
our community,
our jobs,
will likely change again over this time frame.
Our marriage will grow and continue to sanctify us.
Our children will grow up and move away.

But one thing remains:
Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever (Hebrews 13:8).

God is working all things for my good
and
His glory.
He is worthy of all my trust
and
all my life,
in every season
forever.

cj’s birth story

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“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” -Joshua 1:9

CJ is here now and almost three weeks old. I am in awe of him, and at the same time, it doesn’t feel real that he’s here. That he is who he is. That he’s my son. That he’s as beautiful as he is. More wonderful than I could have ever imagined. I stare at him in wonder and my long pregnancy that I never thought would end now fades away as a distant memory.

Caleb Jordan’s name means “courage and faithfulness flow down.” God’s strength and faithfulness have been beyond present in our lives all pregnancy and his birthday was no exception. We feel blessed beyond measure.

So in the midst of newborn feedings by day, night, and dawn, between many moments of holding him against my chest with tears of relief and gratitude streaming down my face, and amid mothering three children through the rush of the holidays, I pause. I pause to write down the birth story of Caleb Jordan. The day that God’s faithfulness and courage flowed down to us through his labor and delivery. 

–

THE DAYS BEFORE.

After making it through Eliza’s birthday (12/10) and birthday party (12/11), as well as a few end-of-the-year Christmas parties, we had finally made it to Sunday, our day of rest. A quick COVID test in the morning kicked off our 48-hours of quarantine before a scheduled induction on Tuesday morning, December 14, 2021.

Around 10:30pm on that Sunday night, I started having contractions that lasted a minute and were about 10 minutes apart. This went on for about two hours, and the Lord used this round of false labor to expose the fear and control I had in my heart. CJ’s birth was not up to my physical strength or my timing. God’s strength alone would carry me through labor, day or night, and His timing would be perfect. God used this false labor to help make my final day without CJ born more real, to move it from my logical thought process of having a baby to my heart—to feel the weight of his soon-to-be arrival. 

On that Monday (12/13), we had a family day, and I was more present than I would have been because of God’s grace to work on my heart, treasuring time with Kevin, Lydia and Eliza, a warm winter day’s sunshine that allowed us to play outside, and my last day of pregnancy. As I tucked Lydia and Eliza into bed and said goodnight, I came out to the living room couch and wept. The last night of just the two of them without their little brother around. I wrote in Lydia’s prayer journal that night, after having written in Eliza’s the day before. I am so proud of who they both are and the people they are becoming.

THE MORNING.

Kevin and I woke up around six in the morning and embraced. I did the slow roll out of bed that comes with being 9-months pregnant. It had been a physically challenging pregnancy with debilitating lower back pain for most of it. I was long ready to be on the other side. Kevin and I spent the next 45 minutes mostly in silence as we got ready. Little words were spoken, only prayers in our hearts for the day. We woke up Lydia and Eliza and got them ready to go over to my parent’s house in town. 

7:15am

As we drove to my parent’s house and on the way to the hospital, God gave us the most beautiful sunrise I have ever seen in Lawrence, Kansas. It was utterly shocking. The words that came across my mind immediately were these: Who is like our God?

[NOTE: If you know my story, you know that these words are significant to me. Who is like our God is the meaning of “Micah” in Hebrew. Micah is the name of the baby we lost to miscarriage in January 2021.] 

Immediately I felt Micah with me. This gift from God felt so personal. Like He wanted to just show off and lavish me with His comfort and love. Tears welled as I dropped Lydia and Eliza off, and I sensed Micah remained with me. Thank you God for the most perfect morning.

The song “The Bones” by Maren Morris came on as we drove north down Iowa Street to the hospital, a song that Kevin and I have listened to many times together. A song about handling adversity with someone you love, but not falling or breaking because the foundation is strong. In the hard journey of this last year, our foundation has been built on the rock of Christ. Our marriage has remained strong. No matter what life threw at us, we stood firm in faith and love. I added this song to our labor playlist as the final song and sang out loud as we drove. 

8:55am

After getting checked in, IV set up, and getting to know our nurse Colleen, my sister Rosie arrived. We caught up briefly before Dr. Riggs came in to break my water. I was dilated at 5cm, 80% effaced, -2 station. While I hadn’t felt a contraction yet, labor started.  

10:18am

After an hour of walking up and down hallways, waiting for contractions to start, I finally felt a slightly stronger contraction.

11:30am

We spent more time walking up and down the hallways, and while I had a few contractions here and there, I was starting to get impatient and feel anxious. Morning was closing down, and so far, I was progressing slower than I had during my induction with Eliza. We returned to the room, and I started considering Pitocin – a medicine that would increase labor and speed of contractions. While I talked this over with Kevin and Rosie, the nurse walked in to tell us that CJ’s heart rate was dropping with contractions. This was most likely a sign that the cord was wrapped around his body somewhere, and likely wrapped around his neck. I was no longer allowed to leave the room. We needed to monitor Caleb’s heart rate closely from here. As I processed this news, the fear and longing to hold my son came. Just as I was considering Pitocin one last time, I felt contractions picking up. I moved to sitting on the stability ball to start active labor. 

Shortly after, active labor was increasing, and so was the pain. I looked at my husband and sister in one moment and said, “I feel weak. I feel weaker than I’ve been with past labors.” Kevin shared the gospel truth of God’s strength in me. After a pause, Rosie looked at me and said, “Maggie, you are weak. And THIS is the year you actually embraced that you are weak. You’ve acknowledged that you need God’s strength in ways you never have before, that you can’t do it on your own. Because of this, you’re stronger than I’ve ever seen you before.”

The Holy Spirit took over in that moment. I was reminded instantly of my prayer for 2021: “embrace my humanness.” Many were praying this over my life, and I remember writing it down the day before our miscarriage and asking God to help me understand that my humanness – my brokenness, weakness, and imperfections – were beautiful because HE created me human, and HE designed me to be dependent on Him to be made complete and experience true joy and peace.

This was a turning point for me in labor. I embraced my humanness, my weakness, just like I had all year long. God’s strength became alive in me.

11:55am

I had progressed to 6cm, 0 station. I asked my nurse what position would make labor go the quickest. She recommended laboring on my side with the peanut-shaped ball between my legs. 

Rosie and Kevin repeated “keep breathing, relax, stay in control. God’s giving you His strength in each breath.” Kevin held my hand and kept his face near mine, whispering encouragement and truth, while Rosie put pressure on my back when I needed it. I continued to repeat “God’s strength in me” in my mind, sometimes out loud, through most remaining contractions. 

12:34pm

As I had at this point mentally prepared to be in labor longer, I decided to try to make it to the bathroom. After using the toilet and enduring a contraction there, I saw blood dripping down my legs. My nurse came in at that moment letting me know that was my “bloody show” and sternly telling me to get back in the hospital bed so she could check me. I was at 8cm, and she said she was going to call in Dr. Riggs.

12:40pm

Within five minutes of returning to the hospital bed, I was feeling the urge to push. I told Kevin this as the room filled with additional nurses and shortly after, my doctor. The nurses and staff all commented on how calm the room was and what great music we had. Maverick City Music’s “Not Afraid” featuring Naomi Raine & Mav City Gospel Choir had just started. One nurse who walked in said, “Jesus-music playing in here. This is my playlist at home!” Dr. Riggs, now gowned and ready, checked me and I was dilated at 10cm! She moved me into the pushing position and told me to push at the next contraction. As she was saying that, a contraction had already started. “Do you mean this one that’s starting right now?” I asked. I got the confirmation to push once and CJ crowned immediately. My doctor paused me long enough to check for a cord around CJ’s neck, and there was no cord. I got the go ahead to push again.

12:45pm

At 12:45pm, just 45 minutes after my moment of weakness and crying out to the Lord, before the 4-minute song ended, Caleb Jordan was born. In the words of Dr. Riggs, he was born with “one push and half a contraction.”

As God’s strength had taken over and the words “I’m not afraid” rang out from the song, I’ve been reminded of truly what a holy moment that was. The lyrics perfectly coincided with the verse that we chose for Caleb Jordan’s nursery and have been praying over his life: “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” (Joshua 1:9)

Kevin immediately started weeping and I cried out “My son, my son!” repeatedly. It took him a few seconds to start crying, so nurses were using towels to dry him off and get him to start screaming. As the cry started Caleb also started peeing which made us laugh with joy as he was set on my chest. We have a boy! We embraced and treasured our son in our arms.

1:05pm

We saw CJ’s dark hair and deep, blue-grey eyes, similar to his sisters, but other than those features he looked so unique. We examined him head to toe, and I also closed my eyes to just feel him. “It is Well” by Bethel came on the speaker. As Dr. Riggs stitched me up, reporting no major tears, she joked, “I wish you would have pushed more so we could have jammed out to your music longer!” She also told CJ before she left the room that he was one of the luckiest kids she knew. Colleen, our nurse who has been doing labor and delivery for 20+ years, told us later that his birth was one of the most beautiful births she had ever witnessed between our worship of God, our calm and control, and Kevin and my love and support for each other. Another nurse came back in to tell us, “The way you two were together—and maybe it was the music—I just had to say, that was beautiful.” I treasure all these words and praise God for creating such a holy space for Caleb’s birth, and write them here so one day I can share them with my son, remembering every detail.

2:20pm

I needed medicine to help my uterus continue to contract because it was not firming up fast enough. Kevin enjoyed his first skin to skin time with CJ and Rosie returned with Chipotle for my lunch. The nurse took CJ’s vitals, and after speculating over/under 9 pounds, we all cheered and laughed when the scale showed us: 9 pounds, 12 ounces. He measured 21.5 inches – so he passed Eliza in weight and Lydia in height, making him our biggest baby of our three!

GOING HOME.

At 6am the next morning, during an early morning nursing hour, Kevin and I turned on The Voice season finale. This was a redemptive moment for us. In January, we had watched the Season 19 finale during our actual miscarrying and passing of baby Micah. We would pause the show during frequent trips to the bathroom and sessions of tears, and it helped distract the pain of the cramping and miscarriage that lasted late into the night. It’s not a memory I choose to look back on often, but as the Lord redeems in ways ever so personal, He redeemed this memory too. We watched Season 21 of The Voice finale, but this time with Caleb born, holding him in our arms.

We had just a few performances left to watch when a nurse came in early to take Caleb away to do his circumcision, so we stopped the show and tried to get another hour of sleep. 

As we were preparing to leave and waiting on discharge medications, we decided to play the final few minutes of the season finale. I set out a few different outfits to dress CJ for coming home. The final performance by Wendy Moten was “Over the Rainbow.” I looked down at the two rainbow outfits I held in my two hands, gifted to us for our “rainbow baby.” I said out loud to Kevin, “Well, this song is appropriate,” and held up the rainbows to show him.

Kevin, holding Caleb in his arms, immediately broke into tears, and my tears came shortly after as I processed the weight of that moment.

We miscarried Micah while watching the finale of this show.
We held Caleb close in the hospital while watching the finale of this show.
We were minutes away from going home, from bringing our healthy baby boy home.
The final song of the episode, that we happened to be watching in this moment, sang so beautifully, was “Over the Rainbow.”

God sees us.
God redeems our pain and restores our joy, so personally.
Thank you, God, for your great love. 

Kevin and I held each other and cried as we looked down at Caleb Jordan Tietz, our rainbow baby, our unexpected miracle. And within minutes from that moment, we took him home. 

–

When God made you, CJ, this much is true—
the world got to meet who God already knew.

naming caleb jordan.

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With great joy, Kevin and I named our daughters Lydia Evelyn and Eliza Rose within hours after finding out their genders around 20 weeks pregnant. Our last pregnancy, we had decided on “Micah” boy or girl and had been referring to Micah by name within a few days after we found out we were pregnant.

Through our first two pregnancies with Lydia and Eliza, Micah had been our top boy’s name. We’d hardly even considered other boy names because we were so sure of it. So, after losing Micah to miscarriage, and nearing halfway on our rainbow-baby pregnancy, brainstorming boy names were a total blank slate. 

As we awaited the gender, “Baby J” had been this baby’s nickname from early on, mostly due to the Jayhawk mascot and being a KU family! Along the way, we also wondered if this kid would have a J name and the nickname “J” would stick for the rest of their life. When it came down to the week of our gender reveal, we had our top three girl names and top three boy names, and all of them started with the letter “J” except one late addition: Caleb.

Caleb means faithful, whole-hearted devotion, brave, and courageous. It was the meaning behind this name that drew us in most, as I’ll get into more later. As the days before our gender reveal grew closer, we landed on our top girl’s name, but our boy’s name remained unclear. Every time we casually discussed boy names, ultimately, we couldn’t even fathom having a boy! The very thought that blue balloons could come out of that box felt so surreal to me that naming a son was even less comprehendible. So, Kevin and I stacked hands on our girl’s name and when it came to our boy’s name we agreed: let’s cross that bridge when we get there.

T H E . R E V E A L .

On the Sunday before our 20-week appointment and gender reveal, I was sitting in church, and our pastor closed his sermon by inviting us to intentionally avoid distractions and listen to the voice of God. I had been preoccupied all sermon-long recounting regrets from the day and overanalyzing what others thought of me, constantly replaying situations in my head. As I paused to ask God what He had to say and put away the tormenting distractions in my mind, the Holy Spirit brought this Scripture to mind:

“If we are faithless, He remains faithful” (2 Timothy 2:13).

God, I feel so faithless, and so full of doubt… 
“I AM FAITHFUL.”
This year, this season, it’s been so hard… 
“I AM FAITHFUL.”
But God, what if…?
“I AM FAITHFUL.”

My thoughts had been interrupted, and I could not get His words “I am faithful” out of my head. It was as if the very voice of God had been written on my heart. I could no longer think of my faithless regrets, only of the Grace that comes through Christ alone. Praise God, even in our doubts and disbeliefs, even when we lack faith, HE IS FAITHFUL. 

As we were driving away after church, I shared this moment with Kevin. I knew that God wanted to draw my attention away from my faithlessness in that moment and focus my attention on His faithfulness – and to give my God the worship and glory He deserves. To rest in His grace. I also told Kevin, with open hands: “If we are having a boy, did God just give me his name? Will our son’s name forever remind me that God is faithful?”

I pondered these things in my heart, but Wednesday’s reveal still needed to come. 

O U R . B O Y .

Even though I had said that out loud to Kevin days before, that Lydia had insisted all pregnancy that Baby J was a boy, and I’d had a dream about being pregnant with a boy two weeks before our positive test… still I doubted and convinced myself that we were having a third girl. We had an all-girl family, and surely that’s how it would always be…

We had decided to save the special moment of finding out the gender of Baby J until we could have the moment with our daughters Lydia and Eliza at our sides. After a healthy 20-week appointment and the gender sealed in an envelope, we gave the sealed envelope to a dear friend who put together a box filled with balloons and streamers for the reveal. We invited a few close friends and family to join in the celebration. This same friend caught on video our reaction: shock, surprise, excitement, and literal jumping for joy when blue balloons and streamers indeed poured over our heads! 

It’s a boy! He’s a boy! We are having a son!

While we processed all the emotions – the excitement, the fear, the joy – it was within the full week after this reveal that God confirmed our son’s name, Caleb Jordan. His nickname around the house has slowly changed from Baby J to Baby CJ. 

C A L E B . J O R D A N . 

Most of 2020 through the start of 2021 was a difficult season for our family, even before our miscarriage in January. Heading into the year, the Lord gave Kevin the word “courage.” His constant prayer: Lord, give me more courage. Kevin’s conviction was that it’s not about getting things right or having the right answers, but simply having more courage. For me, I felt that I was constantly being reminded into the new year to “embrace my humanness.” My conviction was that it’s not about my ability to be faithful on my own, but that God alone is faithful, and He created me—human—to depend on Him, and that dependence is not weakness; that dependance is beautiful.

As I mentioned earlier, Caleb means “faithful, whole-hearted devotion, brave, and courageous.” It truly was the meaning of his name that we couldn’t get past because of how it fit with the exact words and prayers we’d been praying for in this season of our life. It encompassed both the word COURAGE and FAITHFUL. We needed courage to rise redeemed out of a season of darkness and to re-enter hope and intimate relationships. We needed our faith to be dependent on God and not on ourselves in the depths of our grief.

As we look back on this entire season, it was more than just that moment sitting in church and hearing God draw my attention to His faithfulness, but GOD has made His faithfulness known throughout our entire pregnancy with Caleb Jordan, from the unplanned timing of conception to the joy of discovering we will raise a son! 

For his middle name, Jordan means “to flow down.” The Jordan River has very significant symbolism in the Bible and has provided several meanings for us. Water is a representation of new life. Just as Caleb Jordan is the sign of new life after loss, so water represents new life in Christ through baptism.

Secondly, the Jordan River is another symbol and reminder of God’s faithfulness to His people. After wondering 40 years in the desert, after decades of unfaithfulness and turning away from the Lord, God carries the Hebrew people through the Jordan River and into the Promised Land. The Israelites were faithless, but God remained faithful. And then, centuries later, God chooses to send His son Jesus into the world – the ultimate symbol of His faithfulness to a faithless human race. God had spoken of Jesus’ coming through the kings and prophets, and again He was faithful to carry out His promise. And where does Jesus’ ministry begin? Jesus’ ministry begins with His baptism in the Jordan River.

The Jordan River is where Jesus was baptized and truly began His ministry on earth after 30 years of waiting (Mark 1:9-11).

Together, Caleb Jordan means “faithfulness and courage flow down.” And wow, has God’s faithfulness and courage flowed down from heaven to us through this precious life!

T H E . N A M I N G .

After a weekend trip away, about a week after the reveal, I was sitting down during Lydia and Eliza’s nap time and praying that God would confirm our son’s name to me. I was drawn to study the Scriptures and the life of Caleb, a courageous and faithful warrior. I found the account in Numbers 13-14 of Caleb, who enters to story as one who took part in Israel’s great exodus from Egypt, through the parting of the Red Sea, a rising leader among the tribe of Judah. As I read that story, I saw Caleb’s faithfulness and whole-hearted devotion to God in the face of disapproval and even death. I saw Caleb’s courage to speak out against all of Israel to trust in God’s faithfulness. I read about the way that God honored Caleb’s whole-hearted devotion and courage by allowing him to be one among only two from his generation that would see Israel indeed experience and receive the Promised Land.  

As I read Numbers 13:30, the words nearly leapt off the page: “Then Caleb quieted the people in the presence of Moses and said, ‘Let’s go up now and take possession of the land because we can certainly conquer it!’”

Again, in Numbers 14:8-9, Caleb along with Joshua persist against Israel’s betrayal and faithlessness, saying: “Don’t rebel against the Lord and don’t be afraid of the people of the land… the Lord is with us. Don’t be afraid of them!”

And yet, Israel chooses to deny God, and as God’s just wrath comes, God spares Caleb and acknowledges his faithfulness: “But since my servant Caleb has a different spirit and has remained loyal to me, I will bring him into the land where he has gone, and his descendants will inherit it” Numbers 14:24.

This kind of courage, this kind of faithfulness, that is our prayer for our Caleb Jordan. That he would live a life of courage and whole-hearted devotion to his God and King. In this moment that I was praying for our son, Kevin spontaneously walked in the door, and we studied the Scriptures together. Tears filled our eyes and we prayed. God had just revealed Caleb Jordan’s name to us. 

1 0 . W E E K S . L A T E R .

The past 10 weeks have been a blur since that day, and as I write this, I am nearly 32 weeks pregnant. CJ is moving all the time, day and night, whether I’m laying down, sitting, or walking. We just finished a very busy few months of work and life and I should be spending more time on the couch. Lydia and Eliza love watching CJ grow and give him hugs and kisses and talk with him every single day. Lydia is constantly asking questions about his arrival and always follows up on how his doctor’s appointments go. Lydia and Eliza have both made a habit of praying for baby CJ at night to grow healthy and strong. Our whole family is counting down the weeks until his arrival! 

With only 8 weeks to go, I’m trying to start a small baby registry and think about boy nursery items but the little boy clothes and decor all still feel very foreign to me. As we transition Eliza to her sister’s room and start getting CJ’s room ready in a few weeks, I wonder if adding a third, a son, to our family will start to feel more real. Chasing two toddlers with physical pain and fatigue from pregnancy don’t allow much time for planning and dreaming for the future, but it also makes the moments that I stop to pray or dream that much sweeter.

Lord, thank you for this little life. Thank you for Caleb Jordan. Thank you for our son. May he continuously remind us of Your faithfulness flowing down to us and to have courage no matter what season we are in. We can’t wait to meet you, CJ.

rainbow baby.

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Spring was a season of grieving and healing. As March approached, we crossed the two-month mark of our miscarriage. My doctor told us to wait two months to start trying again for another pregnancy to ensure my body had fully healed. While still processing our loss of baby Micah, I began to place hope in a new pregnancy – a new life, predestined by the sovereignty of God, that could redeem and give understanding to our loss. Lord willing, there is another child we were meant to hold and raise on this earth.

I convinced Kevin that we should wait one more month to try again for one reason alone: Let’s avoid a December baby. With Eliza’s birthday on the 10th and mine on the 19th, plus Christmas, plus other immediate family, I feared that not being excited about a December-due-date baby would trigger more sadness of our August-due-date loss. 

So, we protected and prevented for about two weeks around the window of my expected ovulation. 

Our God had different things in store. 

Around that time, I got my first dose of the COVID vaccine, and I remember marking on the sheet “Not pregnant/no chance of being pregnant.” I hesitated before I marked the box and thought to myself, there’s no way. The same week, I had a dream that I was pregnant and remember laughing about it to my friends after church. To them I reiterated, there’s no way it’s true.

In mid-April, a few days before our cross-country spring family vacation, I woke up one morning feeling off. I thought to myself: Surely, it’s because my period is coming soon. When is my period coming? I grabbed my phone and opened up my fertility tracking app, which read:

6 days late.

My first thought was surprise. Clearly it had not been on my radar at all. My period must be coming today, I thought to myself. As the day came and went, reality started to set in, and I experienced a lot of emotions: denial, anger, confusion, anxiousness, fear.

But as the sun set and the next morning came, a new day, the Lord gave me peace even in the unknown. I needed to take a pregnancy test. 

I picked up a box of pregnancy tests at the store and waited for a moment to take one with Kevin. Waiting for a 4th positive test is an experience I wasn’t sure I’d ever have. When we saw the double line, indicating positive, the Lord gifted us in that moment with joy. All we could do was smile and laugh.

Our new journey had begun.
Our rainbow baby.
Our surprise.

OK God, we get it. YOU are in control. Even when we try, we can’t control the way that you create life, in your timing. We trust you with this child, that his or her days are numbered—just as we’ve trusted you with our first three: Lydia, Eliza, and Micah. 

FIRST APPOINTMENT.

Perhaps it was the distraction of vacation or the shock and joy of our pregnancy, but the fear and anxiety of pregnancy after loss didn’t set in until Kevin and I were laying in bed together the night before our first appointment. I broke down in tears. 

Our appointment. Our appointment was where we found out that Micah’s heart had stopped beating. Everything was fine before our appointment.

Kevin and I prayed together and once again had to relinquish control and trust God. We just needed to get to the other side of our appointment. 

It all felt so familiar – except for one major difference. Thank God, Kevin was at the appointment with me. (He was not able to come to our sonogram with Micah due to COVID.) We held hands as the sonogram started.

“This baby is measuring much smaller than your projected due date,” the sonogram tech said immediately. 

After a deep breath, I let my sonogram tech know our story. I let her know that there was absolutely zero chance that this baby was conceived between the window of 7-9 weeks ago. With that, she assured me that she was no longer worried about baby’s size. Our baby had a healthy heartbeat and healthy size for a 6-week pregnancy. They moved my due date back about two weeks.

Turns out, I had ovulated 12 days late.
Our due date?
December 17.
Right in between mine and Eliza’s birthdays.
The exact week we wanted to avoid.

But at that point, I could care less about the shared birthday week.
The only thing that mattered: our baby was healthy.

While we celebrated, we also kept up our hearts guarded. Micah’s heartbeat didn’t stop until 10 weeks. We still had a long way to go.

SECOND APPOINTMENT.

Our second appointment was set for 10.5 weeks pregnant and the day before we left for our Young Life summer assignment. This timing almost mirrored the same appointment we found out about our last loss. As first trimester nausea began to cease and a few trips provided much-needed distractions, anxiety came in again as Kevin and I left for our second appointment. 

There was nothing I could do to control any of the circumstances. We just needed to get to the other side of our appointment. 

The plan was to detect baby’s heartbeat on the Doppler with our nurse practitioner. When she came in the room, she assured me that I was on the early side so if they didn’t catch a heartbeat, not to be immediately worried.

Within 15 seconds of doing the Doppler and no heartbeat detected, she stopped suddenly and said, “We’re doing a sonogram.”

Kevin and I just waited anxiously behind a closed door for our sonogram.
More waiting.

When the sonogram tech got us and led us to the room for our sonogram, Kevin held my hand tight again. I took a deep breath, in this all-too-familiar space, staring at the screen in front of me.

Within two seconds of our baby being on the screen, the sonogram tech knew what I needed to hear, “Your baby is a great size and a healthy heartbeat.”

I wept.
Instantly.
I cried so hard that she had to stop the sonogram.
I couldn’t stop crying.
–tears of absolute relief and gratitude.

When I finally could regain control of my breathing and slow down my tears, we started the sonogram again. Our tech explained that my placenta was anterior which is why they couldn’t pick up baby’s heartbeat on the Doppler. She assured me that was normal, and we even got to see our baby wave and kick!

Finally, we could take a deep breath. We allowed ourselves to fully celebrate this little life.

THE END TO THE FIRST TRIMESTER.

To be honest, it feels like I’ve waiting 6 months to be out of my first trimester. And I’ve never been happier to see my baby bump grow than I have these last few weeks! At almost 15 weeks, Lydia and Eliza have taken notice of “Baby J” growing. Lydia has started praying for Baby J at night and praising God for his life. (She’s convinced he’s a boy…we will see at 20 weeks!) Lydia even taught Eliza how to “kiss” Baby J on my belly and at night they take turns kissing my belly. This new daily routine is the sweetest gift. 

There have been so many mixed emotions this pregnancy.
I have cried as many tears for Micah in this pregnancy as I did before. I still miss Micah.
Yet I also rejoice in this new life.
Sitting in the tension of both of those emotions—joy and grief—in a way I never have quite before.
To rejoice is to also grieve, and to grieve is to also rejoice.

Yet I need to feel and experience each emotion separately.
I need to remind myself that grieving Micah doesn’t mean loving “Baby J” any less.
Celebrating Baby J doesn’t mean missing Micah any less.
To be honest, I’m still sitting in this tension.

There are days when I have peace, but still moments when I break down and cry as the heartbreak of losing a child and the tension between the two emotions overwhelm me. 

ALL I KNOW.

If there is anything that this fourth pregnancy has shown me, it’s that I literally can’t take control, even when I try! The fact that our pregnancy was an unplanned surprise has somehow given me more peace to let go and let God be God.

Early in pregnancy I came across this Bible verse: “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the LORD. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.” (Isaiah 55:8-9)

God’s ways are not my ways, His thoughts are not my thoughts. His ways are higher, higher than I can comprehend. All I know is I need Him. I run to the Father and I fall into His grace… again, and again, and again.

So here we go. December, you don’t scare me anymore.

We are ready for you baby number 4, our rainbow baby.
We are ready to name you, find out your gender, and prepare our home for you.
We are ready to meet you, hold you, and raise you. 
You are the one we’ve been waiting for.

God chose you, and we choose you too. 
We are yours, and you are mine. 

baby micah.

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NAMING MICAH

When I was 20 weeks pregnant with Eliza and found out that she was a girl, we felt strongly about the name Eliza Rose but also had the name Micah on the table. Micah had originally been our boy name through two pregnancies, but we also loved the name for a girl. That same night, I had a dream that we had three girls: Lydia, Eliza, and our littlest, Micah. 

I woke up that next morning and felt so strongly: The Lord is saying don’t be afraid to have three girls, and you’re supposed to have one more: Micah.

Micah is Hebrew for the phrase “who is like God?” We also loved the name because it comes from the same root word as Michael (Kevin’s middle name) and Michelle (Kevin’s mother’s name.) Open handed but confident, from that moment I had held onto a vision of our family. Months after Eliza was born, Kevin and I couldn’t wait to be pregnant again and have our Micah—boy or girl—and complete our family.

LIFE BEFORE MICAH

Leading up to December, we had entered a dark season for reasons that I will keep confidential on this platform. I was exhausted from nights without sleep and I felt scared and anxious leading up to the days of my missed period. On our first pregnancy test we saw the smallest, faintest line. I’ll never forget that night when around 9pm, Kevin left for the store to get more pregnancy tests. The next one showed an even fainter line—but the line was still there. After processing it all, we decided to tell no one but planned to take another test a few days later to confirm. 

On the morning of December 7, I took another pregnancy test and left it in the bathroom. Kevin and I swooped up our two daughters to bring them back to see the results and celebrate the news: a solid line! “There’s a baby in mommy’s belly!!!” The four of us cheered, danced, and celebrated! Over the next several weeks and through the holidays we shared our news with friends and family. My baby bump showed quickly. I had all the symptoms. Our family felt complete.

Immediately we started calling the baby Micah.

LIFE WITH MICAH

Despite it being a challenging season, there were also sweet moments that Micah experienced with us. Micah helped me turn 30 years old and celebrate entering a new decade! Micah gave us hope for the year 2021 after a really difficult 2020. One part of this last month that I never want to forget was the first time Lydia, at 2 ½ years old, ever asked to pray before a meal or before bedtime started the week before our miscarriage. She insisted on praying and would pray: Dear Lord, please help the baby in Mommy’s belly, thank you for Baby Micah, I pray she grows and is born. Amen. Hallelujah! (Lydia Evelyn, I will never forget your first genuine prayer. I am so sorry that God didn’t answer it the way we wanted.) 

The week leading up to our miscarriage was one of the most emotionally exhausting weeks of my life. But Micah was with me for every single heartbeat. For every sleepless night. For every helpless prayer. Micah brought me comfort and gave me hope. After a week of traumatic and hurtful events that I will not record, on Wednesday, January 6, a sweet friend took my kids for a few hours and sent me off to have time with Jesus. I wrote these words: 

In 2020 I am leaving behind regret. I am leaving behind what could have been, the grief of loss that surrounded me from every side. 

In 2021, I will be marked by freedom. I will be marked by embracing my humanness. By embracing my limitations and my capacity. By wholly accepting the gospel as I am – not for what I can achieve. May my weaknesses be Your Glory. 

.

THE DAY WE LOST MICAH

Lydia woke us up at 6am on Thursday, January 7, just like she had most mornings the past month. Yet instead of having Kevin go tell her to say in her room one more hour, I had this sudden urge to be with her. I said out loud: “I want to hold my baby.” I asked Kevin if he would bring her back to bed with us. In a very rare moment for my never-stop-moving toddler, she climbed in bed with me and just hugged me and told me she loved me. We didn’t stop holding each other and telling the other I love you for about 15 minutes. That was a gift. I got my usual morning cuddles in with Eliza and started getting ready for my morning doctor’s appointment. This appointment was supposed to be the point of relief after a really emotionally exhausting week. 

And for about 5 seconds, I had that relief. Kevin, Lydia and Eliza were on FaceTime as the sonogram tech started the sonogram. Immediately, we saw Micah.

“Look Lydia and Eliza!” I said out loud over the phone. “There’s baby Micah!” 

There are really no words to describe what happened next. To experience the joy of seeing your baby on the screen and sharing that joy with your other children – to the shock and confusion of hearing a sonogram tech say the words: “I’m so sorry, there’s no heartbeat.”

I was stunned to silence. The only words I could mutter were: “Are you sure?”

As Kevin’s hands went to his eyes hiding tears, I saw Lydia’s face in the corner. I heard her sweet voice ask, “What happened to baby Micah?” 

I took a deep breath. To help my oldest daughter understand, I had to speak into existence the truth that still hadn’t hit me. “Baby Micah died.” 

I collected my sonogram picture of baby Micah and was ushered into another room. Kevin and I stayed on the phone and cried together until my mom came to pick up the girls from our house, and Kevin stayed on the phone through all the next steps. We decided to choose the pill option with the hopes of inducing miscarriage and avoiding surgery if possible. We asked all the questions we could think of during the appointment, including, “Is there anything we could have done to prevent or cause this?” and “Is there any chance our baby’s heart will start beating again?”

As soon as I arrived at home Kevin and I just held each other and cried. After a few calls and texts, we agreed that we wanted to go pick up our girls, clear out our work schedules, and take the medicine later that day.

I was almost 10 weeks on a third pregnancy and had passed the point of hiding my bump. The hardest part was that Lydia could see the baby in my belly. We had to explain to her that baby Micah wouldn’t be in my belly anymore but instead would be in heaven with Jesus. Having to remind her of this constantly for the first two days became one of the hardest parts. (But her accepting and telling me she now longer sees a baby in my belly was just as hard.)

After putting the girls down for their afternoon naps, Kevin and I sat in the quiet of our living room. We processed all of our emotions and as much grief as we could verbalize. When it became time to take the medicine, I broke down. There was something about the actual act of vaginally inserting pills that made it feel so final. Not to mention I was really scared for what was to come. We decided in that moment to just stop and pray. We wept together and cried out to God, but in our prayers, we just couldn’t stop thanking God for Micah and for the time that we did have with this baby, for the season that we did carry this child in. This little life was beyond a gift to us for nearly 10 weeks. This little life changed us. 

We lamented what could have been and quickly our prayers turned into talking directly to Micah.

Micah, we love you… we were so excited when we found out about you… thank you for comforting us and bringing us joy in one of the darkest seasons of our life… we wish we could have met you, held you, heard your first cry, seen your first smile, seen you take your first steps, and raised you. We promise you, Micah, we will never forget you. We will never forget the time you were with us. You will always be a part of our family and always in our hearts. We can’t wait to meet you and hold you in heaven. We rejoice that the first time you opened your eyes, you saw Jesus. But Micah, we miss you…

When we said everything that we could think to say and everything we could think to pray, we took our first step forward. With Kevin at my side in the bathroom around 4pm on one of the longest days of our lives, we inserted the medicine. Eliza woke up a few minutes later and that evening playing with our children provided the most beautiful distraction.

A few friends dropped off meals, some essentials, and some surprises that comforted us in the moment. Tears and numbness rotated in waves. Nausea set in quickly and I couldn’t eat much but a green smoothie sustained me. Around the girls’ bedtime at 8pm, the cramping began. Fortunately, it wasn’t until after they went to sleep that I saw my first drop of bright red blood.

We set up a heating pad near the living room couch, got some blankets, lit a candle, and turned on The Voice season finale. And for the next few hours, that’s where we remained. My husband held me and every 15-30 minutes we paused the show, went to the bathroom, and Kevin held my hand through it all. While we were never able to see at the time, in hindsight, we are both pretty sure of the moment when the clotting blood passing was the worst. I wept on the toilet and cried out each of the three times when the passing was at its climax. 

We weren’t sure how long the night would last, but thankfully cramping ceased around 11pm and the night ended with me falling asleep on Kevin exhausted on the couch.

LIFE WITHOUT MICAH

I woke up the next morning around 6am, surprised I was able to sleep that long. As soon as I stood up, I was shocked. My stomach had already shrunk. My morning sickness felt different. I felt postpartum. I felt very similar to the day after I gave birth to Lydia and Eliza, except that today I woke up without Micah. 

And I felt the weight in my heart. I felt the loss. Like someone was missing. Grief overtook me, but as the day went on, so did the healing, both physically and emotionally. I cried a lot. My mom dropped off soup and helped with my kids while my sister, who works in health care, also came over. I drilled her on any possible medical and genetic question I could have surrounding pregnancy and miscarriage, which helped to make logical sense of our loss. Later, one of my best friends from high school who had also been through a miscarriage came over. We cried over our angel babies and the empty feeling of our arms, we processed similar fears, temporarily carrying the weight of the loss being our faults and the helplessness we felt in the darkest moments. Then later that night, I hopped on Zoom with three of my best friends who know me better than I know myself to have a beer and cheers to baby Micah’s sweet life, even amid the loss. I knew I was ready for my first beer when it didn’t feel like an escape, but instead, an outward symbol of acceptance.

Over the weekend we continued to take space to just be together as a family. Mostly, when my kids were awake, I could hold it together. But when they were asleep, Kevin and I just fell apart. We’ve had to process and grieve the loss in so many more ways than I would have imagined. At the same breath, we have been completely in awe of the community that has come around us. From meals to coffee to flowers to texts and phone calls and prayers. The love we’ve experienced from our community during this season has changed us forever.

Lydia and Eliza’s sweet presence has been healing and comforting. I am so sad and miss carrying Micah and miss the life we could have had with him or her, but I am also overwhelmed with gratitude that I carried this baby during a really dark and challenging 10 weeks for unrelated personal reasons. Every day of Micah’s life served extraordinary purpose for me.

We’re not angry at God, we feel comforted by His love and grace.
We don’t feel alone, in fact our community has surrounded us.
But we just feel really sad. We miss Micah. 

In the almost 12 years I’ve known Kevin, I had never seen him like that. I had never seen him weep uncontrollably like he did. His emotion was what first brought the emotion out of me. We have grieved similar in some ways, and different in others, but the level of heartbreak we have both experienced has been the same. Despite a really hard week and a continued grief journey, we feel God with us, we see His blessings. We were gifted with space to be together. As the weekend came to an end, we grieved that as well because it felt like the time we got to “be” with and bond with Micah. Moving on to our busy lives felt like we were losing even more of what we will never get back. But we knew we needed to move forward. To push past the triggers and the ways we wanted to run away. But we found comfort that we will hold Micah in our hearts for the rest of our time on earth until we hold him or her in heaven.

ETERNITY WITH MICAH

Speaking of heaven, Kevin and I had always joked that he wanted a gender “surprise.” Meaning, during one of our pregnancies he wanted to be surprised by the gender when we met the baby after delivery. But knowing me, I am one of those people that needs to and loves finding out the gender at our 20-week ultrasound. We don’t know if Micah was a boy or a girl, but now we’ve joked that Kevin will finally get his surprise when we meet Micah in heaven! I can just imagine being there when Kevin arrives, or Kevin being there when I arrive, and shouting out, “Micah is a girl!” or “Micah is a boy!” What a sweet moment that will be! 

Micah means “who is like God?” We have found that phrase to be true in this season. God alone restores our joy in the midst of our sorrow. Our hope and trust in Him allows sadness and peace to coexist. We have seen that there is no community like the community of God, coming around someone as they suffer and value the human life we carried, no matter how brief. The meaning of Micah’s name reminds us to look up to God in the midst of our doubts and remember that His ways are higher, His plans are greater. He is worthy of our love, our trust, our all. There is no one like our God.

Kevin and I feel blessed beyond measure that we get to raise our two beautiful daughters in this lifetime, and now we can’t wait to meet our angel baby in the next. It’s been waves of really hard and sad, and waves of peace and comfort, but overall, we are doing well. Thanks to those who have entered the journey with us.

We love you, baby Micah. 

THE TREE.

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Eliza, I need to tell you something. This tree is really important to me.

Instantly tears started welling up in my eyes and emotion overtook what I thought would be a simple moment. I couldn’t even get the rest of the words out as I spoke to my 7-month old daughter. 

I looked up and saw my two-year-old, Lydia, ahead, climbing on rocks with her dada. I held Eliza close and blinked through tears as I looked back at the tree and tried to get my words out. 

Do you remember our friend Jackie? Well, three years ago we came here just two weeks after her dada died. 

I paused again. Instantly my mind was filled with memories of those few weeks. The call from Jackie. The hospital. The funeral. Her decision to still come on our Work Week at Young Life’s Clearwater Cove—leading up to the clearest memory of all. A few nights in, during the scheduled “15 minutes of silence,” we sat down and wept together under the stars. I had no words, only prayers. 

This tree was planted in memory of Jackie’s dada.

I finally got the few words out, took a deep breath, wiped away a few more tears, and continued to tell Eliza the rest of the story. How Greg, who oversees landscaping at Clearwater Cove, came to me with the idea to let Jackie pick out the type of tree and the location to plant in memory of her father who had just died suddenly in a car accident. I remember seeing Jackie pick it out and plant it into the ground.

The tree.
a sign of life,
in the midst of
grief.

More than just showing Eliza this tree for the first time at this special place, this week at camp wasn’t supposed to happen. It was supposed to get canceled, just like everything else. I was overcome by tears in many moments throughout the week just being there. At Young Life Camp. In the midst of a pandemic. Not taking a single day for granted.

The losses of this season haven’t been easy for any of us, and some of us have lost more than others. This isn’t the way it was supposed to be. 

THE TREE IN THE GARDEN.

The Bible starts out telling us about a different tree. The tree of life that holds the knowledge of good and evil. God created humankind through Adam and Eve and gave them complete freedom in the garden with only one rule: do not eat the fruit of the knowledge of good and evil (Genesis 2:15). Yet they were convinced by the Enemy’s promise for God-like wisdom and chose to eat the fruit from the tree and disobey God (Genesis 3:6).

The Enemy was wrong. The Enemy had deceived them. Instead of becoming like God, Adam and Eve were overcome by guilt, shame, brokenness, and fear. 

Because humankind turned away from God, sin entered the world. And because we continue to turn away from God every day, choosing to listen to the voice of the Accuser and give in to the desires of our flesh, sin reigns.

I don’t think I need to convince you that we live in a world still today where guilt, shame, brokenness, and fear reign. From a competitive pressure to be the best, the smartest, the prettiest or have the most—and we fall short of unreachable expectations—we are covered in guilt (you haven’t done enough) and shame (you’ll never be enough). Within a country that is so polarized that we are making the simple fact of ending racism or wearing a mask during a pandemic something that’s political—and no systemic solutions in sight—we are broken. And in the midst of it all, we are consumed by fear. 

I was listening to a new PitBull song recently and his words struck me: The only thing that spreads faster than any virus is fear. I think I shouted an “Amen!” back at PitBull through my car stereo the first time I ever heard that song. There’s never been a time in my life where I’ve seen this more present than during COVID-19. Our world is controlled by fear.

where is our
hope?
Where is our sign of life
in the midst of our
grief? 

THE TREE ON THE HILL.

When sin entered the world, God had a plan for restoration that involved another tree. Jesus was killed on a Cross, a tree stripped of roots and branches. In this undeserving death God made Christ, who never sinned, to be the offering for our sin, so that we could be made right with God through Christ (2 Corinthians 5:21). Hallelujah. 

Through faith in Christ, we are made right with God and our relationship with Him is restored! He frees us from guilt, shame, brokenness and fear through His blood shed on the Cross.  

This tree is now our
sign of life
in the midst of our
grief. 

And friends, this is good news. We have life and hope in the midst of the never-ending trials of this world because our hope is in a God who rose from the dead and is making things new. We believe that we were not merely created for a comfortable and happy life, a life that comes and goes like a breath in time, but we believe that God created us for a greater purpose. He has promised for those of us who believe in Him that as we put away our sin and love others, He will produce in us love, joy, and peace in place of our brokenness. 

He doesn’t just remove our sin. He redeems it. And as He rose from the dead, He calls us to rise.

Will you rise redeemed with me in the midst of your fear? Will you choose positivity and gratitude in the midst of a dark season of guilt, shame, or brokenness? Will you strive for peace with those around you, instead of division? Will you choose to believe that “He who started a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus” (Philippians 1:6)?

Will you hold on to our sign of life (Jesus’ life, death, and resurrection) in the midst of our grief? 

He has called us higher than simply getting through. Just as He is the vine, and He has called us to be the branches and to bear fruit—fruit that will last (John 15:1-17). He has called us to pursue hospitality and love in the midst of physical distancing (Romans 12:13). He has called us to fight for racial justice in the midst of racism in our systems (Romans 2:11). He has called us to stand firm in our faith and use our voices to speak the truth in love, being a light to the world (Ephesians 6:13, Matthew 5:14).

I read this quote recently, written before COVID-19, but I believe it applies well: “Our goal in life is not simply to survive the current hard thing in hopes that it will be our last. Rather, we endure whatever God has for us to the very end, believing God’s promises even when we can’t see the outcome” (Risen Motherhood).

If you’re still reading, I pray there is something God has for you in all of this to encourage you. Take a deep breath. Go outside and sit in the shade under a tree. My friend, as He speaks, listen. He is our life. 

titan.

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Getting a dog all started with a marital feud and a compromise.

We were just one year into marriage and I was still fresh out of undergrad. Our plan all along had been to move to Colorado after my graduation to pursue his graduate school and start a new adventure. After postponing plans and flip-flopping plans, fed up with the lack of decisiveness, we were sitting at a bench at South Park in downtown Lawrence. Our bikes laid down next to us, we had journeyed there from our near-downtown, small rental home. We were deep in conversation about the future. I looked at Kevin with fire in my eyes and said, “You need to man up and make a decision.” He sat in silence for some time, took a deep breath, then looked back at me: “We’re staying.” I rode my bike home in silence, angry not at him, but at our God for giving my husband the decision I didn’t want. As emotions settled, I said, “If we’re staying, we’re getting a dog.” 

Puppy fever took over fast. We visited the local animal shelter just to “look” at dogs as we continued to weigh the responsibility. We walked in and, of course, every dog starts barking at their gates. We took a lap down and back, taking in all the sweet pups and reading their names. Amid all the barking there was one sweet puppy who laid quiet in the back corner and didn’t come to the gate: Titan.

At about 50lbs and approximately two years old, we took this dog to the yard to get to know him. He didn’t approach us but seemed delighted to be outside. We talked with the staff person about Titan. He was clearly neglected, some signs of abuse but that wasn’t confirmed, as he was picked up as a stray dog in Great Bend, KS at 1.5 yrs old and lived in a shelter for 6 months in Great bend before being transferred to the Lawrence Humane Society. He was reserved and socially awkward, but young enough that perhaps his personality could still change. Perhaps the trauma of his life could be undone if he was adopted and had a fresh start.

We left that day without Titan to talk and pray. As the hours passed by and the clinic closed, the questioning went from adopting Titan to suddenly not being able to image our lives without him. We went the very next day to adopt him. I’ll never forget bringing our new white dog home with his wide smile in my slate gray Subaru Impreza with black interior. He left his mark quickly.

Titan’s personality really didn’t change much from that quiet, people-shy, reserved soul. But his sense of safety and security came out as we bonded in our own ways. He had clearly had abuse surrounding doors, and large thin objects resembling baseball bats and sticks, we learned that quickly. It took him six whole months to feel safe to come in the house on his own from the backyard. We taught him to sit, lay down… though “come” was always a bit more difficult. We often took him on walks and to the dog park. In fact, in his younger years, I remember getting on my bike just to sprint him up and down the streets. He was fast! He loved runs, walks, scratches under the collar, springtime, and digging holes in the backyard. He hated Christmas trees and fireworks. 

He wasn’t the dog that would greet you at the door, but he showed his excitement that we were home by pacing laps around the dining table. Some of my favorite memories are when we would host a church or Young Life College gatherings during our days in full-time campus ministry. As you can imagine, during a Bible Study for example, everyone is sitting down, quietly talking in turns. That’s the environment he would thrive in. He would choose a person, seemly random, to go and sit next to for the whole night. Somehow it always tended to be the person who needed it most. The new person who didn’t know anyone. The college girl who just went through a break-up. The 18-year-old who was missing home. Many faces come to mind through Bible Studies and City Groups over the years.

When it came to other dogs, we never met a dog who didn’t get along with Titan. He was a dog’s dog, through and through! Even extremely territorial dogs that didn’t get along with most, somehow sensed Titan’s calm energy. He spent the most time with his cousin Millie, his opposite in personality, able to both play and keep her in her place!

Perhaps my favorite moment with Titan—in about 2019, we had a new family join our city group. They had a young girl in their family that had an extreme phobia and anxiety around dogs. Their mom asked me if I could crate our dog before they came over because she couldn’t even be in the same room as a dog. That was no problem at all, just not something we were used to doing with Titan because he was never disruptive in groups. After some time, we started talking to the young girl about what Titan was like. We wondered if a calm, predictable dog who mostly kept to himself might be the perfect exposure therapy for her daughter. The daughter agreed, and at about age 10, this brave young girl walked into our home. We chose a day when no one else was in the house and baby Lydia was napping. The young girl walked through our living room, her eyes up. We sat at the kitchen table, while Titan lay on his bed about 15 feet away. After some time, Titan got up and made his usual lap around the table. We all remained calm and continued our small talk, even as he gracefully sniffed her shoes and returned back to his nap. After that experience, the daughter agreed to being around Titan during our weekly City Groups. Eventually, she was able to be around other dogs and even got her own emotional support dog.

In her mom’s own words to me last week as we were recalling this event six years ago, Titan changed her life. 

In recent years, Titan has kept even more to himself with four crazy human siblings running around the house. But my favorite memories with him and the kids have been how each child, somewhere around their first birthday, starts to realize they could put the scoops of food in the dog bowl and take part in feeding him. That they can hold the leash as we take him on walks. That if they go and sit by him on his bed, he lets them pet him. 

We love you Titan. You have been a gift to our family for the last 11 years and we’re so grateful you made it to 13 years old, even though this last year has been a tough one. Amid a lot of change – four children, three houses, career changes, and honestly a lot of growing up (I’m speaking not just of the kids, but Kevin and myself) – you have been a constant.

This week we needed to experience the emotions of grief and sadness. You helped us with that. The Lord has used you in our lives, even to the end. You will be missed. 

Titan Tietz + Adopted September 21, 2014
September 2012 – November 10, 2025

We love you, Titan.

ADRIAN’S 1ST BIRHTDAY

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Today
Wednesday, March 26, 2025

as I reflect on my fourth child
my second son
my precious baby
turning one
I pause to remember.

I am brought back to a summer day in June 2023. In a prayerful and quiet moment, asking the Lord if it was His will for us to grow our family, God gave me the image of the tree with four branches. I drew this picture in my journal, then listed every fear I had about having a fourth child. Many of those fears included the physical surrender of my body: pregnancy, postpartum, and nursing. The nearly two-year physical undertaking of a new baby was one of the most dreaded parts that kept me from being open to the miracle of life that God would have for our family.

Shortly after, we rejoiced in the news of finding out we were pregnant. But the physical toll began (again). I remember nauseous days in the 100-degree summer heat and feeling sick as I brought Lydia to her first day of kindergarten. I remember paralyzing back pain while hosting Eliza’s 4-year-old birthday party. I remembering sprinting 38-weeks pregnant as CJ’s scooter headed full speed for a busy street. I remember the bonding with Adrian & commitment to health during the final months of pregnancy and his birth—leading up to Holy Week, 2024.

I remember the joy of showing up at Good Friday service with Adrian only 3 days old, and Easter Sunday, 5 days old. I remember countless times nursing him or trying to get him to sleep while anxiously praying that my other children who roamed freely in the house and yard were safe. I recount Adrian’s volume of spit up that lasted until 10 months old and led me to a purchase a little Green Machine vacuum for the carpet of our new house—the only house Adrian will remember. Countless nighttime feedings alone, while everyone else in the house was asleep. The dreaded sleep training and weaning. His first belly laugh. The first time he said mama. His first steps—followed by a dogpile by all three siblings and the most precious family hug.

All these little moments,
leading us to
today. 

In many ways, Adrian turning one feels like a fulfillment of that prayer I laid before the Lord on that summer day. A trust and a peace, amid many fears.

God carried both me and my family
from then
until
now.

Since that time, I see that God has both comforted me and changed me. I have so much delight as I look to the next milestones that come after Adrian’s first steps and the one-nap transition. I am so proud as I see him play with his siblings, dance every time he hears a beat, voice his opinions, and explore and discover the world around him.

When I think of Adrian now, I think of the way his deep brown eyes light up every time he sees me, how he drops his head to fast crawl from across the room and pull up on my legs, how he turns his palms face up to reach for me (reminding me of the open palms that is often my posture when I seek to worship the Lord). I think of singing “This Little Light of Mine” before many naps, but changing the lyrics:

This little light of mine,
I’m gonna let him shine.

I wondered why I was not more emotional about his turning of one, until yesterday when I sat with the Lord long enough to remember—not just the growth he’s had this year, but the growth of my own. The Lord has used Adrian to increase my endurance—physically, mentally, and spiritually—and my dependence on Him for each of my four children. 

Psalm 131:2 says, “Instead, I have calmed and quieted my soul like a weaned child with its mother; my soul is like a weaned child.”

Often, I think of our relationship with the Lord like a nursing infant, because we are utterly dependent on God for life. This verse in Psalm 131 then has me wonder, why does it say a weaned child? This week as we are weaning Adrian I have a precious picture: a weaned child comes to his mother, not because he needs milk. He just wants to rest in her presence and feel her comfort and warmth. As he cuddles on my chest now without nursing, he is calm and quiet. His soul is at rest.

Before the Lord, I come
for rest, comfort and strength—
and
even as
we don’t know the circumstances of life
or
as we ponder the regrets made
or
the fears of the future
I wonder at how the Lord invites us into His presence to
rest
our minds
rest
our bodies
rest
our souls
“like a weaned child comes to its mother.”

As your name means, Adrian Ray, you have brought a wealth of light into our life. This little light of mine, you point us to our Heavenly Father. You shine.

Happy Birthday, Adrain.